What’s the first thing that should cross your mind after you see the positive on the pregnancy test? One word: BOUNDARIES. Here are four crucial boundaries to set with your fetus now, before it gets any more ideas.
1. Mama doesn’t kick you, so don’t kick mama
The oldest trick in the fetal book is kicking. Fetuses kick when they’re hungry, when they’re tired, or just to say hello. But you don’t kick your fetus, so why should your fetus kick you? You’ll probably get some kickback (pun intended) after drawing this line, but that just makes it all the more important a boundary to set.
2. There are “mama foods” and there are “fetus foods”
Your fetus doesn’t even have full taste buds until week 14, yet they’re just gonna mooch off your shrimp? No way. Keep this boundary clear by saying aloud who the food is for as you eat it. Veal, that’s for mama. Martinis, that’s for mama too. Oatmeal, have at it, fetus. If you don’t stand strong on this now, it’s gonna be a long 18 years.
3. No fetus stuff after 8 p.m.
Between cravings, throwing up, doctor’s appointments, not scuba diving, etc, fetus stuff can take up almost the whole day. Set a rule that after 8 p.m., you are totally off the clock. While this may sound intense, 8 p.m. is pretty late for a fetus, and frankly, it should be asleep by then. This will leave you with plenty of time to recharge however you like best—true crime and glass of wine, loud party with cocaine, etc. After all, if you don’t put on your own lifejacket first, how can you expect to help anyone else?
4. Rent is due by the fifth of the month, otherwise a six percent late fee will be added each day
Your fetus is getting free board, and it thinks it can get free room, too? Ummmmm you’re gonna want to nip that in the bud ASAP to avoid creating a toxic codependent dynamic. While nobody likes a landlord these days, paying rent is a really normal part of life, and in fact, by teaching your fetus the value of budgeting and building credit, you’re helping it toward financial independence.
Setting boundaries isn’t easy, but it’s worth it in the long run. Besides, if your fetus can’t respect your boundaries you can always just third-term it. You got this, mama!
