OTTAWA – Following Canadian tennis phenom Victoria Mboko’s victory at the National Bank Open final, the Canadian Association Of Pressuring Mothers has proclaimed her as their new baseline example of impossible achievement against which you will be measured.
“Only 18 years old, and with both of her parents watching in the stands,” announced Paulette Wilkes, 58, during a CAoPM press conference. “Whereas you keep insisting your podcast is going to take off…”
Wilkes, flanked by concerned and judgemental mothers from across Canada, noted that “Victoria has her entire tennis career in front of her, but you, have you given more thought to going back to teaching college?”
“Or taking the civil service exam,” added CAoPM executive treasurer Beth Gramble, 62, of Burnaby, BC.
18-year-old Canadian tennis sensation Mboko defeated four-time Grand Slam winner Naomi Osaka Thursday night, securing her position in the elite of Canadian sporting, as well as her position as the pinnacle of youthful determination and discipline that you will consistently be found wanted against for the remainder of your adult life.
Addressing fans in a post-match ceremony, Mboko insisted “It’s been an incredible week here. Montreal, je vous aime!” prompting the nation’s mother’s to point out that she also speaks fluent French, unlike your abandoned attempts at Duolingo Spanish.
The nation’s mothers were also quick to report that Mboko’s tournament win netted $752,275 USD — more than doubling her $458,001 in career earnings — throwing your recent request to borrow $100 from your parents “just until payday” into stark relief.
At press time, the nation’s mothers were drafting a press release about how Victoria Mboko will almost certainly give her parents grandchildren well before she turns 30.
