– – –
Some people think this map looks gerrymandered, but we don’t see it. We also don’t see the innovation, economic growth, and kick-ass food scene that exists in this country, largely thanks to immigrants. Everyone, get your guns: Let’s kick out all the foreigners and shoot ourselves in the foot.
– – –
District 2 aims to “Keep Austin Weird” by taking away all of its voting power. But at least urban liberals and rural conservatives now share something in common: one representative to do Trump’s bidding in Congress.
– – –
The Third District blows Democratic votes away. We promise a chicken in every pot, a car in every garage, and a firearm in every hand. Sawed-off shotguns are now legal in Texas. With this kind of leadership, how could anyone not want Texas Republicans to have more seats in the House?
– – –
\
District 5 is deep in the heart of Texas, and garners us the necessary votes in Congress to make certain that Republicans stay in charge of what goes on deep in the heart of every vagina in the country.
– – –
Texas is the top producer of wind energy in the United States. That should put us at odds with Trump, but ultimately we’ll go any way he says the wind is blowing. Meanwhile, District 7 is the first district in the country that can change its shape. With a twist of the turbine, the blades can slice up blue counties however we want.
– – –
District 9 may look weird, but it is merely a collection of people who are okay with AI data servers sucking up forty-nine billion gallons of water—just like how this district will suck up Democratic votes and flush them down the toilet (if there’s enough water).
– – –
Named after District 10 in The Hunger Games, this district reflects the Republican belief in every person’s freedom to practice whatever kind of Christianity they want. That’s why, as of this fall, public schools in Texas will be required to display the Ten Commandments in every classroom, ensuring a zero-tolerance policy for kindergarteners who commit adultery.
