Want to get drinks next week? I know everything’s kind of crazy right now, so no pressure. There’s a cool new bar I read about—fine, saw a TikTok for—that just opened downtown.
The Gilded Beak, have you heard of it?
“Urban aviary meets al fresco pretension,” the website says. Sounds cute.
The cocktail menu looks pretty spectacular too. Lots of drinks with artisanal ice cubes, questionably sourced rim accoutrement, and six-to-twelve ingredients never before seen in libations, all served in kitschy glassware shaped like “mini bird baths.” (One reviewer said they’re “just coup glasses”—but okay, still fun!)
The signature drink everyone’s been raving about is the Owl Fashioned. It’s thirty-four dollars, but you can tell it’s worth it because they gave it a punny name; plus, it’s served with complementary nuts and seeds, and a two-ply napkin. I love thoughtful touches.
They also have a twenty-five-dollar Macaw-garita. I know you love tequila. And for five dollars more, they’ll even add it in.
The Finch 75 sounds delicious too. It’s a double, so unfortunately, the “75” is the price, but we’ll just have one cocktail, I swear. Unless they’re so good, we have to have three or four?
Did I mention it’s a rooftop? It looks directly into several beige office buildings, but we’ll still feel like we’re on top of the world. Plus, it’ll give us some peace from the street-level chaos and dumpster fires, you know? Nothing makes me want to drink a fancy aesthetic cocktail more than what’s happening right now.
Oh, here’s something fun: I heard the bar doesn’t call them “bartenders” but “feral mix masters,” and according to several reviews, they have “major attitude problems.” That could be entertaining? Some say during “Flappy Hour,” the guest mix masters are actual birds. (It’s wildly messy and inefficient, but if a pigeon shits in your Canary Spritz, they take a few bucks off the bill. We love a discount.)
Thankfully, there isn’t aggressive mood lighting or a deafening DJ like some of the other new hot spots. They do, however, play calming nature sounds at an unreasonably loud volume. One reviewer said it’s “giving Rainforest Café meets random rooftop meets surge pricing,” which is something we’ll just have to decide for ourselves.
From the TikTok I saw, the booths and tables appear to be covered in sticks, hay, and loose strands of hair, like you’re enjoying a night out in a human-sized bird’s nest. That’s pretty rad. See, the thirty-four-dollar Crow-jitos pay for themselves when a theme is well-executed. Speaking of: The only item on the appetizer menu is an “egg flight.” Sounds gross—we’ll have to try it.
You’re not so sure about this place? I know the drinks are pricey, but I read somewhere the upcharge is used to pay their staff a semi-livable wage and/or invest in more neon FREE–RANGE VIBES signs, which should make us feel better about supporting a small upscale business.
I did hear that if you try to leave the Gilded Beak without spending two hundred dollars, they place you in the “Birdcage of Shame” for half an hour, while everyone rolls their eyes at your apparent poverty. But we’ll just have two drinks each and some eggs and be all set.
The crowd at a spot like this should be fun too. A comical mix of hard-working and non-working types just trying to get a high-end buzz in a cool bird bar. One review said, “It’s a lot of girlies with 1.9K followers who look directly into their front-facing cameras, sync up their influencer accents, and say: ‘Come with me to get a Woodpecker Sour,’” but that won’t be us.
I will have to artfully document our outing to justify what we’ll spend, but you know the old saying: Did you really have thirty-four-dollar drinks if you didn’t put them on the internet?
Oh, you’re on a budget? Honestly, me too. Let’s just go to the twenty-four-dollar cocktail bar instead.
