Where the couples stand after episode 8

This week on Bachelor in Paradise, we learned that several grown-ass men and women on this damn beach have never heard the word “spigot.” Plus, the cutthroat strategizing resulted in a dramatic (read: hilarious) rose ceremony.

Let’s recap!

This week’s Relationship Test: “Treasure Hunk.” Communication is key, rose lovers. So, this week, the couples must prove they can talk each other through any challenge. One of them will be “buried alive” in a “very large treasure chest,” armed only with a walkie talkie and a set of clues their partner will need to find them. The couple that reunites first wins an “exclusive date” and a rose. Also, two couples will be sent home this week — based on a group vote.  

No new developments: Bailey and Jeremy; Alexe and Andrew; Lea and Jonathon

Kathy and Keith bicker like an old (un)married couple

Honestly, I could have watched two hours of these two yelling at each other through walkie-talkies. (Kathy: “Hold down the button! You’re cutting out! Over!” Keith: “I’m pressing the button down as hard as possible! Over!”) Once it’s clear she and Keith don’t have safety, Kathy starts campaigning to stay. She informs Jess that Brian and Parisa are “struggling,” and that Lea and Jonathan “need to go.” Then she plays the age card. “I’m just saying as a mom, I want to stay to support you guys and be here for you guys,” she coos.

Only later does Kathy discover that she and Keith are NOT on the same page about how to move forward in Paradise. Keith believes the “strongest couples” should stay until the end, while Kathy “wants the person who plays the game best to win.” In fact, Keith’s even considering voting for Kathy to go home — which would essentially be self-elimination. “At least I’d feel good about myself,” he says. “I did it for the Right Reasons™.”

Parisa and Brian keep their cool

Brian knows that he is Public Enemy No. 1. “Because of the Bailey-Jeremy situation, everyone has my head on the chopping block from here on out,” he says.

Parisa and Brian don’t finish the Treasure Hunk challenge, but on the plus side, they don’t get into a huge fight about it either. And in another miracle, Parisa manages to keep Brian from beating Sean to a pulp when he starts actively trying to get everyone to vote them out. There might be hope for these two yet.

Jess and Spencer get their Om on

After this week, the other contestants would be foolish not to vote them out. Not only are Jess and Spencer deeply infatuated with each other, but they were also the only couple not to lose their patience/temper during the treasure-chest challenge. They are the ones to beat, people!

Anyhow, for their date, Jess and Spencer will be enjoying a Paradise tradition: Tantric yoga!

Awww, these two are so cute it’s kind of disgusting. After the date, Spencer and Jess exchange mutual “I’m falling in love with yous,” which — according to the rules of this silly franchise — officially makes them the strongest couple in Paradise.

Kat marks her territory with Dale

Not to be outdone, Kat passes Dale a note that reads, “Will you be my boyfriend?” He agrees. They seal it with a not-at-all-passionate kiss.

Uh, congrats, I guess.

Sean and Allyshia overestimate their strength

Though she’s only known Sean for, like, six days, Allyshia thinks they are “one of the strongest couples” in Paradise. You laugh, rose lovers, but these two are the first ones to complete the challenge. In this case, however, first isn’t as important as fastest — so Allyshia and Sean lose to Jess and Spencer. The next day, Sean decides that the best way to stay in Paradise is to form “strategic alliances” and create a voting bloc to get Brian and Parisa out. “Having a dad that’s a politician, I’ve kind of learned to operate in a certain way that gives me a leg up,” Sean explains.

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Uh, Sean? Isn’t your dad former NY State Assembly Member Steven McLaughlin, who was once sanctioned for (allegedly) asking a female co-worker to send him nude photos? Not sure that’s the kind of strategy you want to emulate — but you do you, bro.

Sean’s campaigning is so clumsy and obvious, it starts annoying people real quick. Brian immediately clocks his rival’s movements and confronts him about it.

Of course, Sean denies doing any “aggressive lobbying.” In response, producers flash back to “3 minutes earlier,” when Sean was, in fact, lobbying hard against Brian. I love it when this show trolls its own contestants. Sean also lies to Kat, Dale, and Jeremy about campaigning against Brian and Parisa. Then, he makes up an even dumber story, telling Kat that “all the girls” plan to target her and Dale next week. Naturally, this pisses Kat off.

Allyshia realizes that Sean is doing too much, and she gently cautions him to take it down a notch. “Nobody likes politicians,” she reminds him. Unfortunately, her warning falls on deaf ears. Sean spends the last few hours before the rose ceremony lobbying hard, trying to get Dale, Sean, Andrew, and Jeremy to join his alliance, which has a name. A really ridiculous name.

If this guy is our political future, rose lovers, this country is even more f—ed than I thought.

And the couples going home are…

and…

Ahead of the cocktail party, everyone spends their time whispering to each other about which two women to vote out. (Their men will be sent home by default.) Allyshia walks in on Alexe and Bailey whispering about sending Sean home. Later, Sean picks a fight with Kat after he hears that Kat told Allyshia that she and Sean aren’t close friends. “I’ve done nothing but stick my neck out for you,” he huffs. “I will tell you how I feel to your f—ing face!”

Kat does NOT love being cursed at, so she runs off and tattles to Dale. In response, Dale marches over to Sean and barks, “You’re out!” Perhaps sensing that she and Sean are about to get the boot, Allyshia interrupts the rose ceremony right before the final rose and makes an announcement:

“Sean and I came into Paradise looking for love,” she says. “The one thing we’re not willing to compromise is our character and integrity, and to have that questioned is very difficult to hear. But we would like to make the decision to leave together on our own accord.” LOL at Jess’ reaction.

Allyshia lets the group know she’s looking forward to getting “a big bucket of popcorn to watch this all back,” and as Sean walks out with her, he tosses this bomb over his shoulder: “Dale, I love you, but Kat, don’t call me crying after this one ends!”

I think Jess puts it best: “So much for leaving with integrity!” At least Parisa and Brian keep it classy in their final moments.

Only six couples left, rose lovers! Let me know who you’re rooting for in the comments, and I’ll see you back here next week.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.