Good morning, class. Today is the introduction to our next unit, entitled, “A Never-Ending List of the Obscene and Excruciating Ways that Sexual Activity will Kill you and Ruin the Lives of Everyone You Ever Cared About.”
Now that you’re in the 6th grade, you’re mature enough to handle these topics, so let’s jump right in without any guardrails. Here is a diagram of a fully erect penis. If you have one of these, keep it zipped up in your pants unless you want to contract any number of horrifying diseases you’ll be learning about in the coming weeks. If you see one of these, don’t touch it.
Here is a diagram of the female reproductive system, plus the anus. If anyone touches any of the body parts depicted on this diagram, the woman will almost certainly die of AIDS after a long and agonizing period of illness. The person who did the touching will also die.
Want to know something interesting? You can’t catch AIDS! What you can catch is HIV, which leads to AIDS, which kills you. You can catch HIV a few different ways: By touching your mucous membranes together with someone else’s, by stepping on used syringes (which could be anywhere), or through microscopic cuts on your skin (which could also be anywhere). I’ll bet this is the first time you’re hearing that your skin has microscopic cuts on it. Remember that, because it will be on the health test later this month. You’ll also want to remember it every time someone extends their hand for a handshake.
Let’s move on to the full-color closeups of people’s genitals rotting away and oozing all manner of unknown substances. You’ll be expected to memorize the names of the diseases these photos depict and match the names to the photos on the test. It’s important you know that syphilis causes sores, rashes, paralysis, blindness, and death, while gonorrhea only causes rashes, sores, and infertility. I can’t quite explain the difference between herpes and genital warts, and neither can your textbook, so be sure to just look extra hard at those pictures so you can get the right answers on the test.
If you ever decide to risk your life by engaging in some form of sexual activity (we’ll explain all of the different ways you can do that next week, including some ways you’d never even dreamed of), keep in mind that all of these diseases are incurable, some will kill you, and even a rumor that you contracted any one of them will turn you into an unredeemable pariah who will never experience love or affection ever again. You’ll never get into college or be hired into a job or start a family. If you’re lucky, you can find sporadic work providing video testimonials about your poor life choices and warning the next generation of young people to stay away from sex, from kissing without a dental dam, and from each other. We’ll be watching a video of some of these testimonials in class tomorrow, and every person featured in the video is dead.
Well, that’s our time for today. I’m impressed that you’ve made it through the first class on this unit without giggling or cracking jokes. In fact some of you look quite pale. I’ll take that as a sign that you’re going to take this information to heart, be safe, and never even think of developing a positive relationship with your body or sexuality. Remember, sex can only be one of two things: Something that kills you and brings intergenerational shame upon your family, or something that doesn’t happen at all.
Have a good lunch.
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