We stand before the world with a dire warning. Unless we, as a united front, address this generational crisis, we risk permanently exhausting one of our greatest resources. Our findings are shocking and sobering, but hopefully, this will inspire world governments to make substantive changes. For if we continue at this current rate, our scientists fear that we will hit Peak Walton Goggins within the next year and a half, if not sooner.
Goggins is a gem—a true icon. No one argues with that empirical data. But these levels of Goggins consumption are unsustainable. Our models predict that the global community will grow tired of this beautiful man if he continues to appear in every TV series, ad campaign, and suggested Instagram reel. We will have burned through his charm far too quickly, and the next generation will inherit a world without his darkly comedic, sweaty sex appeal.
To those who insist that we are nothing more than alarmist Chicken Littles, I beg you to look at this chart. Back in 2010, we were at acceptable global Goggins levels. People drooled over him, sure, but that was limited to Justified fans. It was healthy and renewable. But then came Vice Principals and The Righteous Gemstones, and that’s when we see the first real uptick in emissions.
Within the past few years, however, we’ve been hit with a quick series of extreme Goggins events: The White Lotus, Fallout, Walmart ads, GoDaddy commercials, hosting SNL, and the launch of Walton Goggins Goggle Glasses. Our ecosystem was not built to carry this much concentrated Goggins. It’s not a question of if he will lose his appeal, but when.
The clearest indicator of overexposure is when an actor winds up in a Marvel movie. Well, guess what? He already has. In 2018, Walton Goggins played “Sonny Burch” in Ant-Man 2. We are well past the “forgettable villain in an MCU sequel” phase, people. Wake up and start worrying!
If this current trend continues, we’re one step away from the doomsday scenario of Goggins starting his own podcast or doing a Stanley Tucci–style travelogue where he visits his grandparents’ homeland and tastes the native cuisine (even though we’d watch the hell out of that show).
Right now, Greta Thunberg is canoeing to Burma to raise awareness and keep Goggins away from Hot Ones, lest the internet lose its collective shit. Over the past few months, Leonardo DiCaprio flew across the globe, giving rousing speeches to make sure that Goggins did not land the role of Bison in the new Street Fighter movie. But these are only stopgap measures.
So, what can be done? Our goal is to decrease global Goggins exposure by 57 percent by 2030. Hollywood must produce fewer Goggins vehicles each year. Casting directors can no longer rely on him as an easy source of laughs and charisma. Hopefully, this will speed up the development of a reliable Goggins alternative, someone like Mads Mikkelsen or Ben Mendelsohn. We also mandate that Danny McBride make only one new TV series every decade. We’ve signed the pledge. Have you, Mr. McBride?
This existential threat is clear, but we fear that the Americans will ignore this report and continue to insist that Peak Goggins is a myth. And if it does exist, then the free market will come up with a solution. “The UN also predicted we’d be tired of Paul Rudd by 2015, and that never happened!” Take us seriously, America. As the largest exporter of Goggins per capita, we expect you to be a key part of this global coalition. Otherwise, we’ll do what the UN does best and sanction you. Quite harshly indeed.
We are aware that the challenge ahead of us seems difficult and imposing, but rationing our current Goggins consumption today will ensure a brighter future. It’s a sacrifice that we must be willing to make. And if you ever find yourself in need of comfort in the face of these hopeless circumstances, I recommend opening up Instagram and watching the one Baby Billy video that we are allotted each day. He always makes me laugh.
