Dear parents,
Get ready to drop a leg on summer, because it’s back-to-school season. And thanks to the secretary of education—and former WWE CEO—Linda McMahon, there are gonna be some big changes to the curriculum, including yours truly running the show. McMahon and the big-dog-in-chief already tried to withhold over $6 billion in federal grants for schools, but that’s just the start of this exciting new chapter. So buckle up, because you better believe we’ll be choke-slamming radical rhetoric and squashing the competition.
English
Off the bat, we’re banning some books. Alice Walker? In your dreams. The Kite Runner? Not on my watch. And as for that no good, piece of trash J. D. Salinger, I’ll tell him what I told Jake “The Snake” Roberts back in ’94: “Forget the rye, you’re about to catch these fists!” Call me a phony one more time, and you’ll be riding a carousel of pain if you know what’s good for you.
Math
I’ll let you in on a secret: Math is the Deadman’s favorite subject. I won twenty-one straight WrestleMania matches, and that’s a pretty big number. Every night, when I’d pin an opponent, the ref counted to three, and I liked that too.
Still, I have to admit, nothing—not even math—is perfect.
Keeping in line with the administration’s updated recommendations, there will be no more calculators in the classroom. Drop an elbow on that TI-83, because we’re going with something more accurate: our gut. Did the President need a fancy doo-hickey to come up with tariff rates? Math is about instincts. It’s about emotions. So we’re going back to basics: Headlocks. Rest-holds. Estimating based on how you feel in the moment.
History
President Theodore Roosevelt is often quoted as saying, “To educate a person in the mind but not in morals is to educate a menace to society,” and I assure you, when it comes to educating children on history, there’s no bigger menace than the Undertaker.
Moving forward, there will be no more woke slave narratives. We don’t need that DEI bologna in the classroom. I’ve been around the block with the WWE enough times to know, firsthand, there’s only one true way to body slam racism, and that’s to ignore it completely. (Speaking of which, thanks in advance for not googling “WWE blackface.”)
We’re also not going to learn about Germany in 1938. No particular reason, just wanted to give a heads up.
Science
Speaking as someone who spent years playing a zombified mortician with occasional supernatural powers, I’ve never been particularly intimidated by the sciences. My two cents is there’s no need for “experts” who “earned a degree” to teach your kids. Those boneheads wouldn’t know a cell wall from a Hell in a Cell. Heck, they might not even know mankind from Mankind.
Henceforth, physics will be a year-long study of top-rope maneuvers and hot-wiring motorcycles. Chemistry will be replaced with pyrotechnics training. Biology will be replaced with jiu-jitsu. Instead of dissecting frogs, students will watch scope footage from my last knee replacement.
Foreign Language Requirement
I’ve traveled the world performing for the best fans in the world, so believe me when I say I know the importance of communicating with folks from every walk of life as well as the isolation of simply not having the words.
That said, we’re hereby slashing all foreign languages and won’t be teaching anything besides English—which, admittedly, will be spotty at best—along with the little squeezes, taps, and grunts we like to do in the ring.
Extracurriculars
We want your children to have a well-rounded education and the opportunity to play sports and step on a stage. It’s life-changing stuff. Lord knows, you can only step through the ropes so many times while Kid Rock’s “American Badass” blasts at a deafening volume before understanding, bone-deep, that art transcends the human spirit.
Anyway, we’re cutting all drama and music classes.
College Prep
We will prepare your kids for the bright future they deserve. Still, who wants to attend lawless hellholes like Johns Hopkins or UVA or, god forbid, Harvard? Thus, the school guidance counselor will be replaced with WWE Hall of Famer Sgt. Slaughter, who will encourage students to focus on the art of running the ropes and selling the hell out of a camel clutch so that, upon graduating, your children will be ready to begin training at the WWE development center in Orlando.
We can’t wait to get back to work and pile-drive some knowledge straight into your kids’ brains. Our aspirations for your children are sky high, and we firmly believe that, with our new curriculum, they will have the tools to do anything. Rest assured, if they work hard enough, someday, they might even headline an MMA fight on the White House lawn.
Yours, resting in peace,
The Undertaker
