This agreement is between me (“me”) and you (“the dog”) and is designed to govern the rules, policies, and expected behavior on our walks together.
Definitions and
walk cancellation policies
You are entitled to one (1) long walk per day, not including our four (4) regularly scheduled trips around the block so that you can conduct your business. If an urgent need arises outside of these planned trips, a signal such as pawing at the door or barking is requested before rendering diarrhea.
Each long walk will be for a period between one and three hours, and is contingent on factors like weather conditions, my current work schedule, and how much battery life remains in my earbuds.
If a long walk is not possible due to force majeure such as illness or inclement weather, you are entitled to equivalent compensation, including an indoor training session to perfect your sitting, an extra bone, and some tennis ball tosses (not to exceed one-hundred tosses in a period of twelve hours. This is non-negotiable. No, really. Don’t stand next to the ball and tilt your head like that.)
Behavior on walks
You are entitled to sniff anything you like on the walk, provided it’s not a rotting rat corpse.
You are not entitled to eat anything off the ground, including and especially goose poop, horse manure, and that decomposing cigar in the ditch.
By rolling in the mud, you hereby grant me permission to bathe you when we return home, following our previously negotiated Bath Time policies.
You may greet other dogs, pending an agreement from both parties beforehand. You agree to keep these interactions to a maximum of thirty seconds, or the approximate amount of time it takes for me to say, “Aw, how old? What a cutie! Okay, well, enjoy your walk!”
It is the dog’s sole responsibility to discover any and all squirrels in the vicinity. I acknowledge that this service predates our contract by 30,000 years, and I am obliged to go along with it.
Resolving disputes
If you see the gray fluffy dog on our block, Arlo (“your nemesis”), you agree to keep any incendiary remarks to a minimum while I find a parked car for us to hide behind until he passes.
You have no obligation to allow the screaming child to pet you. I warrant that it is my responsibility to say, “Sorry, he’s shy,” while you and I run away as fast as possible.
You may bark at the skateboarder, because I can’t actually stop you from doing that.
Concluding the walk
You acknowledge that planting your feet and pulling in the opposite direction is not a valid negotiating strategy for extending the length of the walk, though admittedly it is often quite effective.
In the final portion of the walk, you are entitled to stop and chew on no more than three sticks, because we really have to get home now.
Upon conclusion of the walk, you shall receive an honorarium of one peanut butter bone, on account of you being the smartest, sweetest, most perfect boy in the whole wide world.
Following the completion of the peanut butter bone, you agree to sleep for at least two times the duration of the excursion. You acknowledge that while you get to enjoy a blissful nap in your plush donut bed, others have to work, and you agree not to rub it in too much.
