Hey everyone, Jared Fogle here. For those of you who don’t know me, I got famous 50 or 60 years ago because I lost insane amounts of weight from eating Subway’s gigantic healthy sandwiches with plenty of mayonnaise. You probably remember the famous commercial where I showed people a big pair of pants I stole from Kohl’s while everyone cheered me on for being skinny. These days I’m best known for being America’s leading authority on weight loss, which is why I feel the need to speak out on a troubling trend I’ve noticed: These days everyone wants to take Ozempic to lose weight instead of putting in the hard work of exclusively eating Subway for years.
If my word as Jared From Subway still means anything in this crazy world, I feel the need to say that this has got to stop.
Now, I lost my weight the old-fashioned way: by eating really big sandwiches with plenty of mayonnaise for every single meal for years. The rewards spoke for themselves: I lost tons of weight and became one of the most beloved celebrities on the planet.
Was it hard to eat Subway sandwiches for breakfast, lunch, and dinner day in and day out for decades? Sure it was, but nobody ever lost weight by not eating heaps of lunch meat stacked high on a footlong loaf of bread. People who take Ozempic want a quick fix that brings them all the rewards with none of the sandwiches. They want to break the rules. But I didn’t get to where I am today by breaking the rules, I did it through discipline and willpower. You don’t achieve your dreams by scarfing down some kind of crazy miracle pill cooked up in a lab, you achieve your dreams by following in the footsteps of Jared From Subway in every possible way.
People who try to shed pounds with Ozempic expect weight loss to be served up to them on a silver platter. But weight loss is never served to you on a silver platter. Footlong salami sandwiches from Subway are served to you on a silver platter, and then you eat those to lose weight. It takes a lot of work, but you don’t get to hold the big pants unless you’re willing to eat the big subs. I would have thought my millions of fans—the “Fogle Nation”—would know better than to rely on something other than Subway sandwiches to achieve their fitness goals, but as usual, humanity has disappointed me.
What does the future hold for weight loss? It’s hard to say for sure. I wish I could play a more direct role in this scary new world that the Ozempic craze is creating before our eyes, but unfortunately I am currently in prison for the crime of losing too much weight too quickly. I cannot stand with the courageous soldiers of Fogle Nation in the flesh and warn people about the dangers of Ozempic. I can only write brave posts on ClickHole.com and hope that the power of my words can convert my innocent readers into fanatical zealots who do nothing but eat Subway sandwiches and get so skinny that they become as famous as me.
My parting message to you all is: Be like Jared Fogle in all aspects of your life. If there’s one thing that people associate with the name “Jared Fogle,” it’s hard work and dedication. Every time you eat a healthy salami sandwich with plenty of mayonnaise from Subway, you honor my legacy. Every time you download something normal onto your computer in a way that is not a crime, you honor my legacy. Every time you hold up a pair of gigantic pants, you honor my legacy. Let’s ditch Ozempic, pick up our Subway sandwiches, and keep the Jared Fogle legacy alive. Thank you, and I’ll see you tomorrow.
