Mom Trying Something Called ‘The Serial Killer’s Diet’

LAWTON, OK—Disturbed by the sudden appearance of duct tape, rope, and plastic sheeting in the kitchen, sources confirmed Wednesday that local mom Jennifer Kirkendall was trying something called “the serial killer diet.” “I’ve already lost four pounds just by focusing on my inner animalistic urge to kill instead of stuffing my face with empty calories,” said Kirkendall, noting that her ideal body weight was somewhere between Jeffrey Dahmer and Ted Bundy. “My sister heard about it online, and when I saw how gaunt her face looked, I had to give it a try. Before every meal, I make a journal entry outlining how I would murder and then dismember a drifter without getting caught. Plus, I do 30 minutes of stalking randos at the grocery store every other day, which burns a ton of calories.” Kirkendall added that she planned to quit the diet after reaching her goal weight because her newfound bloodlust was giving her horrifying nightmares.