Britain and America are two nations separated by a common language, as George Bernard Shaw famously, said, but, actually, there are lots of other things that separate us too. For example, having lots of ancient castles dotted about the place.
People from the USA tend to associate them with exciting and romantic films like Braveheart or Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, whereas the average Brit’s experience of castles is eating a sandwich in a crumbling tower on a wet, miserable school trip.
This was proved by a post on the AskUK subreddit by user JustAFilmDork who posted the following enthusiastically expressed question:
Hello, I am American. I have a question.
If I (not me specifically just like in the hypothetical ‘I’ sense) took an English heritage site castle by force with like 50 guys and it was on a moat with a hill and everything, would the UK government have to siege it down medieval style?
Cause they can’t use ammo, it’d damage the site and also be super uncool to gun down people over a prank. I’d wear knight armor so like pepper spray and maybe tasers would be bullshit too. Also, UK police aren’t immediately identifiable as displaying psychopathic tendencies AND don’t normally carry guns (culture shock as an American I gotta say).
So, like, would they just send in cops with batons and they’d have to climb the walls with ladders and shit? Idk who to talk to to get an accurate answer but I’ve been thinking about this for a while.
And the answers were as deeply British as you’d expect them to be, like these:
1.
‘I think they’d just wait a day till you got cold, tired and hungry and left of your own accord.’
–Plam-
2.
‘Maybe have one lad on the megaphone: ‘Come on guys, it’s a Bank Holiday weekend, nobody wants to be here’.’
–NuclearMaterial
3.
‘It’s not possible. You and your ‘raiding party’ could attempt to storm the place, granted, but you’d get stopped at the gate by an English Heritage bod in a fleece and visibility jacket who wouldn’t let you any further without the purchase of a Super-Family-Group-Save ticket. If you did clear that hurdle, you’d then each be issued with a taped audio guide to the place, narrated by Timothy Dalton or someone like that, and a leaflet detailing exactly in which order you are allowed to visit the keep, stables, garderobe and armoury.’
–Maude_VonDayo
4.
‘Someone did try this at Edinburgh castle. The tourists just laughed at the bunch of daft ‘free men of the land’ types as the Historic Scotland staff and police herded them into a side room until they gave up.’
–Crookfur
5.
‘You probably didn’t need to point out that you’re American.’
–TMI2020
6.
‘Well, most English Heritage castles are just ruins. Very few have complete walls, virtually none of them have working drawbridges or portcullis. Best you can do is shut and lock a heavy wooden door, and then you are standing in an old ruin of heavy stone. No food, no water, no supplies but what you bring with you.
English Heritage then call the police, who realise all the above, laugh. Shut off the power to the lights and and power sockets that may have been installed. They could fairly easily cut open the gate, they’re not original doors that merit preservation and I doubt you have significant options to stop them doing so. If you put up a fight, they might launch tear-gas into the ruin to smoke you out, and that will work.
If you prove too difficult or dangerous.. they can literally just wait in the cafe outside, have sandwiches and tea and you’ll come out and surrender when supplies run out. Then they’ll arrest you.’
–Ruadhan2300
7.
‘Do you have any idea what the heating bill would cost for an entire castle? Arseholes to that.’
–OllyDee
8.
‘Having done a lot with English Heritage, I can say with absolute confidence that they would (and do) beg somebody to invade and take over maintenance and utility costs. The portcullis would be open.’
–No-Garbage9500
9.
‘The police probably wouldn’t need ladders, as most castles here are ruins. If you’re in armour, they can probably yoink you out with a magnet.’
–HailToTheKingslayer
10.
‘Dunno. I’m not really arsed; you can have one if you want. Just don’t put loads of flags on it I’m fucking sick of them.’
–theotherquantumjim
11.
‘There would certainly be a lot of tutting.’
–jjgill27
12.
‘Why would knights armour protect from pepper spray? Needs holes in those helmets to see out. And you ain’t moving much before getting tired (I assume you haven’t been training since a boy to wear the armour).’
–beaches511
