The radical urbanist media loves to throw around baseless accusations like “rampage.” “Godzilla rampages,” “cities destroyed in rampage,” and “world in the grip of rampagism.” The word has lost all meaning by this point. And it’s not even fair because the lawful, beautiful actions that I undertook around the globe against the likes of Tokyo or New York were anything but a rampage. It was a precise enforcement of the law meant to keep everyone safe.
I have nothing against cities. There are plenty of good, honest cities out there just trying to get on with their lives. I’ve known some really great cities in my time. But when a city shows up without papers, without proper authorization, just popping up out of the blue instead of doing things legally, the right way, I have no choice but to act swiftly and decisively. These are really bad ciudades we’re dealing with here. You see an innocent skyline; I see a potential security threat. Those towers can be signaling enemy kaiju. Those electric lights may be sending signals into space meant for alien invaders. You don’t know. I’m not willing to take that risk.
Critics always focus on the wrong things and don’t give you the full story, like how I “leveled all of Sydney.” Yes, I did. What you won’t hear is how the city was defiantly inviting lethal threats like a moth the size of a jumbo jet and a giant Marxist lobster (you can tell by its red color) by just existing out there in the open. If destroying the city is what it takes to protect my domain from future attacks and the disastrous open-border policy of my weak-on-crime predecessor, then you better believe that that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
Because let’s not forget that, as King of the Monsters, all the oceans are within my jurisdiction, INCLUDING up to fifty miles inland from any shore. I have the right to stomp any downtown into dust, and it’s all legal. It’s not trespassing, it’s not chaos, and it’s definitely not a “rampage.” It’s affirming my sovereignty in the interest of national security to protect law-abiding cities. If you’re here legally, have all the proper paperwork, and have never harbored a three-headed alien dragon, your skyscrapers have nothing to worry about.
Now, there has been a lot of noise recently about the commuter train I ate in Hong Kong. I once again want to state that the initial comment saying that I ate the train “by mistake” is false. The person responsible for that miscommunication was let go. What I’ve determined since then is that the train was trafficking people and drugs and is not the innocent public transport that the media has made it out to be. My security experts have assured me that the train’s long shape, like that of a snake, is a symbol of the terrorist kaiju Manda. That train was a vicious killer. It had to be removed for the public good.
The United Nations Godzilla Countermeasure Center can issue any rulings it wants. They can’t force me to regurgitate that train.
And believe you me, other cities take notice of things like that. They look at me and see that I don’t play around. They see that I enforce the law. And the survivors love what I’m doing. Everywhere I go, I atomic-breathe new life into the local economy. Construction booms, therapists thrive, sales of I SURVIVED GODZILLA T-shirts skyrocket. A thank you would be nice. Maybe even a Nobel Prize?
So, when people accuse me of rampaging, I laugh. Rampaging implies aimlessness. What I do is highly intentional. There are policies. There are guidelines. And yes, those guidelines do eerily match with Project G that was composed by the Rampage Foundation, but I want to restate that I have nothing to do with them and have never even read the document. Thank you for your attention to this matter!
