Planet Fitness Bans Proper Form

HAMPTON, NH—Stressing its commitment to making everyone feel welcome regardless of athletic ability, national gym franchise Planet Fitness instituted a new policy Thursday that bans proper form. “We don’t want new gym-goers to feel intimidated by people doing squats correctly, so from now on, members will be penalized when they lift with their legs instead of their backs,” said Planet Fitness spokesperson Jim Kaplan, explaining that the gym chain’s trademark “lunk alarm” would sound for the first two offenses of appropriate posture, while a third instance of safe technique would result in a permanent ban from the club. “There’s no need to show off by working out in a manner that prevents injury, so just grab a grime-covered weight from our mismatched, disorganized racks and flop around. It’s easy enough to add more plates than you can handle. We’re also removing mirrors so you can’t check if you’re doing it right. And if you’re stretching, you better stop right there—warming up and cooling down will not be tolerated.” The new policy follows the company’s decision last month to provide members who show up in proper gym attire with pajamas and sandals they can change into free of charge.