“In the seven months since he was sworn in, Mr. Kennedy has delivered a lukewarm endorsement of the measles vaccine; dismantled a panel of experts who make vaccine recommendations to the government; taken steps that will effectively restrict access to Covid-19 vaccines; and canceled $500 million of grants and contracts for the development of mRNA vaccines.”
— New York Times
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Let me be clear that under this order, the NHTSA has only stopped recommending seat belts for people who we are pretty sure won’t get into a fatal car accident, and for people who we feel like could handle themselves just fine if they did wind up in a catastrophic wreck. This decision does not apply to individuals who actually need seat belts, such as those who are either very old or very drunk.
For decades, the automobile-industrial complex has pushed its woke seat-belt agenda on the American people with little to no evidence that these devices are actually effective at reducing harm to the general population. In reality, the use of seat belts during car accidents has been linked to countless debilitating conditions in children, such as friction burns and mild bruising around the neck and shoulders. It is my view and the view of this administration that parents should be free to decide whether they want their children oppressively strapped into a two-ton vehicle or liberated head-first through the windshield, where they will almost certainly land on a discarded mattress or in a pillow factory, unharmed.
This updated recommendation is about expanding people’s liberties, not about reducing anyone’s access to an allegedly potentially lifesaving apparatus. I will promise the American people right here and now that anybody who wants a seat belt will still be able to get one. Is it true that car manufacturers will no longer be required to include seat belts free of charge in future lineups? Yes, but car companies have assured me that they’re working tirelessly on a subscription-based model that will allow users access to the seat belt already included in their cars for the low price of only a few hundred dollars per year.
Companies that make poor people cars will also offer flexible packages that allow certain seat belts to be activated for a lower monthly cost. This innovation empowers families to decide for themselves which child is worth protecting, or whether to withhold that privilege from a spouse during a marital dispute. There are also countless options for budget-friendly aftermarket seat belts on Amazon. These are sold by definitely real, trusted companies such as Beltyxon, which makes a fantastic product called “Seat Belt Safety Belt High Quality Car Strap for Use in Automobile.”
I am aware my political enemies have cast aspersions on my character by claiming I am a minority stakeholder in a company currently developing a car-seat jet pack that can be deployed in the event of a crash. Such a miraculous invention of safety will surely make seat belts obsolete. These same enemies have detailed how I stand to make millions of American dollars as a direct consequence of the NHTSA’s decision to stop recommending seat belts to most individuals. I can say with certainty that I am not a minority stakeholder in any such company.
The fake news has also claimed erroneously that I fired my deputy NHTSA vice-chair for disagreeing with my stance against compulsory seat-belt use. Again, this is completely false. The reality of the situation is that I fired my deputy because she told me she was a communist. Not in so many words, but she did say the spoiler I put on the back of my 2008 Dodge Durango “looked dumb.” If you think my spoiler looks dumb, then you think freedom looks dumb. So, yes, I fired her, just like one day soon, God willing, every man, woman, and child will be fired three hundred feet into the air in a protective car-seat jet pack the moment a fender bender occurs.
When it comes down to it, America is about choice. The choice to wear a seat belt or to get ejected from a moving vehicle into a grocery-store parking lot at eighty-five miles per hour. And if you don’t like that, a two-inch strip of nylon webbing isn’t going to save you.
