I just want to start by saying that I absolutely adored my time here at your hotel and will be recommending it to all my friends and family. It was even better than last time and I noticed you have made great strides in removing the loose band-aids from your pool – you’re almost there!
Now, I’m not a guy who likes to complain, and I don’t want to get anyone in trouble, but there were a few minor inconveniences that I wanted to bring to your attention. I hope that’s ok!
First, the towels in my room were sort of soiled from the previous guests who might have ran out of toilet paper. I don’t mean to get housekeeping in trouble, but their towel origami didn’t do much to clean the towels. Don’t get me wrong, they were beautiful “mud swans” (their words) but still sort of unusable. If that’s your towel policy then I apologize for even bringing it up.
I have to say, I love the party-like atmosphere of your hotel – so fun! That said, and I hate to get the teens in the room next to me in trouble, but the hole they punched through our shared 2-inch wall made it so that I could easily see and hear their 4-day kegger. It would have been nice to have gotten an invite, but maybe they didn’t realize there were other guests in the hotel, in which case I totally get it.
On the plus side, security confronted the teens almost immediately after my third call. But if I could say just one thing, and it’s not my intention to get security in trouble, it’s that I overheard the teens yell “the security guys have pills!” and the party got even louder. But I also understand working security is a stressful job and they might have just needed to take a load off.
Your beds were absolutely lovely and I loved that even though they weren’t exactly comfortable, they were sort of a designated area to sleep. The no-bed-frame, no-box-spring approach is something I haven’t seen at other hotels and the mattress stains had an uncanny resemblance to Mother Theresa (huge fan). I did notice a family of rats burrowed into the mattress living off of the mints you left on my pillows (nice touch by the way – they really do make the difference between a 1 and 2 star hotel). The rats were quite cute and I don’t want to get them in trouble, but the CDC insists I notify you of my many bubonic-plague-infected rat bites. Honestly, the oozing sores barely even hurt and if it weren’t for the government poking its nose in my business I wouldn’t have even mentioned it.
There is a real communal spirit within the walls of this hotel. In fact, I was more than happy to step outside when the front-desk clerk said he needed to “use my room for a minute.” That said, and I don’t mean to get the clerk in any hot water nor am I asking to be compensated for the 7 hours I covered the front desk, but would you please consider dropping the charges for all of the pornographic films he ordered? If you can’t drop all of them, would you consider at least dropping the charge for “Coco Melon Goes to College”? No judgement, but I do work with children in my professional life and am concerned it may show up on some sort of background check.
I will also say that I am a huge fan of the combination tub/shower – it’s not every day that you get the option to shower or take a bath. That said, and the last thing I want to do is get the combination tub/shower in trouble, but the deceased body left behind in the tub had entered an especially odorous stage of decay that I tried to mask by running water over it (I don’t mean to be disrespectful by using “it” but I can’t really determine the sex with what’s left behind). When its skin sleuthed away and clogged the drain, I had to bathe in the sink, which was only a sink and not a combination anything.
Finally, I really try to keep a spiritually open mind, and I was thrilled to share the room with the malignant demon that lived within the mirrors of my room. That said, and believe me when I say that I do not want to get Belzagorg in trouble, but the hellscape fever dreams he summons in my sleep have given me severe PTSD and I lay awake each night fearing the now-tortuous act of sleeping. I understand he is a sleep demon and that’s what sleep demons do, so I hate to even cause a fuss, but by chance could you ask him to return my cat to the physical world? If it helps, he can take my neighbor Gary instead.
Once again, I really enjoyed my stay and apologize for being such a pest. I am grateful for the wonderful experience your hotel provides and if I should prove my doctors wrong and outlive the combination plague/rabies/expired-mint-
