“President Trump said networks giving him negative coverage may deserve to have their licenses revoked, ramping up threats administration officials have made in the wake of Charlie Kirk’s killing.” — Axios
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I really like free speech. I love it, some might say. I love how I get to say anything I want and it’s totally fine, no problem. I don’t like when you do that though. I only like when I do it, or when people do it in a way I told them to do it. That’s when I really like free speech. In fact, I like free speech so much that I’ve decided it’s just mine now—not yours.
I like so many things about free speech. I like that my friends on TV can say they want to kill homeless people and then keep showing up for work like nothing happened.
I like that I can mock a murder attempt on an elected official and then become president of the United States.
I like that I can incite a riot and then become president of the United States.
I like that I can solicit violence against my own vice president and then (you guessed it) become president of the United States.
But when you make a joke at my expense? When you criticize me in any way? When you say anything other than a really nice compliment about me? That’s where I draw the line. I like free speech so much that I’d rather not share it with you anymore.
Come to think of it, why are we giving away speech at all in the first place? We should be able to make a good return on investment with speech, especially if it’s free to begin with. I bet a lot of people would pay good money to get some free speech. In fact, I like free speech so much, I’ve decided to charge for it.
If you want some of my free speech, all you have to do is change how you report the news so it’s the kind of news I like, or cancel cultural touchstones to get mergers approved. Free speech isn’t free—at least, it shouldn’t be, if you’re good at business like I am. And as the proud new and sole owner of free speech, I’m gonna make you pay for it.
Now, some people are saying that what I’ve just described isn’t free speech. Some people are saying that it’s free speech only if everyone gets to use it. But I don’t like the way you’re using it. The way you’re using it is hurting my feelings. The way you’re using it is making me worry I won’t get to become president of the United States a few more times.
You know what? I like free speech so much I’ve decided you can’t use it without my permission. I’ve decided free speech is a collector’s item and it should be kept in mint condition. Let’s be honest: It’s basically an antique. So it needs to stay locked up where I can keep an eye on it.
I like free speech so much that I’ve decided to keep it.
