1. “And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the Kingdom of God… unless of course that rich man makes over $10 million a year, in which case his wealth will create jobs in the Kingdom of Heaven.” (Matthew 19:24)
2. “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. Oh wait, is she trying to get an abortion? Give me that stone.” (John 8:7)
3. “Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second commandment is ‘Don’t let trans people compete in women’s sports.’” (Matthew 22:37–40)
4. “Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. But especially blessed are those who launch preemptive strikes in the Middle East, for that definitely won’t end badly.” (Matthew 5:9)
5. “Judge not, that ye be not judged. In fact, the judicial branch really shouldn’t be telling the president what to do at all.” (Matthew 7:1)
6. “Then Jesus went about all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing every sickness and every disease among the people who had paid their premium on time.” (Matthew 9:35)
7. “For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them. Where two or three thousand gather, that’s a riot waiting to happen. Send in the Marines.” (Matthew 18:20)
8. “Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Why does he do it? I do not know. The welfare state has completely destroyed the fowl family.” (Matthew 6:26)
9. “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do. The people who nailed me to this cross are just a few bad apples with mental health issues. The majority of people who own crosses only have them for protection.” (Luke 23:34)
10. “But whoever has this world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him… GOOD. Tell your brother to get a job.” (1 John 3:17)
11. “But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you. You shall be repaid at tax time, when you deduct the feast.” (Luke 14:13)
12. “If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. If they slap you again, that’s a violation of stand-your-ground laws, and you can shoot them with your AR-15.” (Matthew 5:38–39)
13. “Jesus wept, because of all the immigrants.” (John 11:35)
