Republicans Distract From Epstein Controversy By Each Sharing Most Embarrassing Moment Of Life

WASHINGTON—In a move that ignited numerous media firestorms expected to last for several news cycles, the GOP provided a distraction from the Epstein files controversy on Tuesday by going around the House of Representatives and having its lawmakers share the most embarrassing moments of their lives. “It began when one congressman took the floor and admitted to clogging his crush’s toilet in eighth grade,” said congressional correspondent Amy Bertrand, who added that other Republican representatives quickly joined in, waving their arms to get the attention of the press gallery while confessing everything from indulging in a chocolate cupcake on Friday nights to having once killed a family in a drunk driving accident. “The revelations really started picking up after Rep. John Rose (R-TN) took the podium and said, ‘I groomed my wife from the age of 12, and yet she still doesn’t love me. Please, someone write a thinkpiece so I can get some answers.’” At press time, House Speaker Mike Johnson had reportedly stood up and shouted, “I’m the BTK Killer!”