Freshman Congressman Being Adorably Discreet With Corruption

WASHINGTON—Marveling at the childlike innocence and naïveté on display from their first-term colleague, members of the U.S. House of Representatives confirmed Wednesday that freshman congressman Gabe Evans of Colorado was being adorably discreet with his corruption. “Aw, look, look! He’s going into the parking garage, trying to look all sneaky—what a sweetie pie,” said Florida Rep. Brian Mast, one of several representatives who cooed as they watched Evans nervously offer to vote for tax breaks in exchange for a campaign donation, his eyes darting around the dimly lit structure and his voice wavering meekly as he made the deal with a lobbyist on a burner cell phone. “Taking contributions under the federal limit just to avoid notice? So adorable. I remember when I was a freshman—so young and naïve. He’ll learn soon enough. Aw, look at him blushing and trying to deflect when the reporter asks him questions about it! It’s so cute that he thinks he has to do that.” Evans’ colleagues were later seen stifling giggles after they learned the congressman had just agreed to attend a town hall packed with his concerned constituents.