Welcome to your new high-end Italian espresso machine. Or should we say, bonjourno? Yes, we should. Your espresso machine only speaks Italian. To get the most out of the machine, you must learn the language.
We will wait.
Fourteen Months Later.
Remove the machine from the box. Carefully. You want to make a good first impression. Use a firm, yet gentle grip to establish trust. Too weak a grip, and your high-end Italian espresso machine will never respect you.
Important safeguard: Don’t film an unboxing video. Your espresso machine is wary about having a social media presence. Between you and me, it held some questionable beliefs during WWII and doesn’t want the public uncovering it.
Your Italian espresso machine is perfect for daily use; however, please keep in mind that the machine demands time off to rest, so daily use doesn’t really “work” for it.
To set your machine up, find the area of your house with the best lighting. We know the kitchen will be the most convenient, but this isn’t about you. This is about getting the best extraction, and your Italian espresso machine will feel self-conscious if it thinks the sunlight in your breakfast nook is hitting its metal in the wrong way. If you want your machine to function properly or even at all, get a professional photographer-grade light meter and wave it around your house like it’s a smudging stick.
Plug it in.
Now that your espresso machine is set up, check on its emotional well-being. Is it comfortable? How would it describe its feelings? Is the sunlight too direct? Ask if it feels as if it can produce today.
We’ll save you the trouble: It will say it cannot produce today. Try again tomorrow.
A Day Later.
Your high-end Italian espresso machine is now ready for use.
Fill the tank with water. Use bottled water. Never tap. Never filtered. Please refer to the “approved bottled water brands” list at the end of this instruction manual (see: Italian espresso machine rider). If you use a brand it doesn’t like, the machine will be able to detect it and will shut down.
Grind the espresso beans into the provided coffee filter basket.
Throw out the ground espresso beans. Reevaluate your coffee choices. Really take your time. Go on a journey. Come back when you’ve purchased beans that can live up to the high standards of your high-end Italian espresso machine.
Three Weeks Later.
If your high-end Italian espresso machine is on its phone when you try to use it, don’t be alarmed. It’s chatting with its cousin. Please wait for the machine to finish its call before you attempt to use it. You may be tempted to eavesdrop now that you are fluent in Italian, but this is a personal call, so please respect the machine’s privacy.
If you must know, they’re discussing where the cuff of a polo shirt should fall to best showcase a bicep.
Select one shot or two shots. Please know that your machine will dispense how much it feels like, regardless of your selection.
If your machine is reluctant to perform, play the Shia LaBeouf “You can do it” video for motivation. Your high-end Italian espresso machine hasn’t seen it yet, despite being a huge fan of Shia LaBeouf. Again, it makes excellent espresso—so we can forgive its support of problematic actors or former dictators.
Eventually, your high-end Italian espresso machine will produce espresso. It might be in five minutes. It might be at midnight. It might be never. But it will come. Unless it doesn’t.
Three Years Later.
Your high-end Italian espresso machine demands cleaning every two months. You have missed eighteen cleanings. Cleaning is simple, provided you’ve mastered the machine’s seventy-two-step process, seven of which have three steps in of themselves.
Please note that these instructions may change at any time without warning. Your machine will not let you know, but if you screw up, it will turn off and never work again.
Enjoy.
