Member ID: Q679432Z
Claim # %$!@()$#%$FU%&!
Dear Insurance Adjuster Bot,
Please accept my heartfelt thanks for denying the MRI my doctor recently ordered for my hip replacement.
After my initial anger and bewilderment (I actually threw my phone across the room), I came to my senses. I’m sure you had my best interests at heart and the decision had been a difficult one. No one could be this irrational.
Of course, my orthopedic surgeon is skilled enough to use a simple x-ray as a guide when he replaces my hip. An “easy-peasy” surgery, like you said in your denial letter. The fact that he also wanted to check my D2 disc and the rest of my spine can be revisited at another time. Let’s “put a pin in it” for now. Haha. Forgive the bad joke, but I hear laughter is the best medicine. But if that were true, why would anyone need you? Just kidding.
You must be slammed dealing with the thousands and thousands, maybe even millions of requests for lab tests, imaging, treatments, procedures, surgeries, and pharmaceuticals requested by over-zealous doctors who believe being thorough and well-prepared is a non-negotiable. These outlandish and usually bogus requests are made with absolutely no consideration for your bottom line. Speaking of bogus claims, don’t forget to add hypochondriacs to the list (the majority being women) with their imaginary aches and pains and desperate need of attention. Beyond the pale.
Being a woman myself, I am eternally grateful you have my back. (Not literally but you know what I mean). You have saved me from myself. If you hadn’t, my MRI could have been a gateway drug to PET and CT scans, biopsies, chemotherapy, radiation, immunotherapy, hormonal therapy, stem cell transplants…you know, stuff that keeps you alive.
Thanks to you, I now understand the phrase, “It’s easier to just say “no”.” But most people still don’t get it. Like that kid who shot the CEO of one of your competitors recently. He ended up being hailed as a folk hero, a modern day Robin Hood, and a working-class hero. Outrageous! But others could get the same idea so you need to be careful. I wouldn’t wear that red shirt you like so much. Stick to neutrals. Harder to pick you out of a crowd wearing a dark gray button down.
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Gail Mackenzie-Smith loves a good joke. That’s why she got her MFA in screenwriting. But she writes other things too. Her humor pieces have been published in Electric Lit, The Belladonna Comedy, Humor Times, The Haven, Defenestration, Little Old Lady Comedy, and of course Weekly Humorist. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband, dog, and two coyotes who hang out in front her house every night hoping that the cats across the street will come out and party.
