PARIS—In a statement citing the need to preserve his smoldering good looks so that future generations could continue to swoon over him, U.N. officials announced Tuesday that Spanish actor Javier Bardem had been formally declared a UNESCO World-Class Hunk.
The U.N. agency said Bardem had met the criteria of “brawn, charisma, and raw masculine eros” necessary for formal recognition “of his outstanding desirability to humankind,” a prestigious designation that affords him protections under an international treaty intended to safeguard rugged male charm. A small plaque identifying him as a World-Class Hunk will be worn by the Vicky Cristina Barcelona star as a temptingly low-slung belt buckle.
“As stewards of humanity’s libidinal heritage, we must work to ensure that not only our children, but our children’s children, will one day grow up to thirst after this fine slab of man,” said UNESCO Director-General Audrey Azoulay, adding that her organization had approved Spain’s nomination of the actor for World-Class Hunk status with a unanimous “Hubba-hubba” from all present. “Mr. Bardem’s breathtaking physique, disarming smile, and deep, gravelly voice have a unique erogenous value that inspires lust among all peoples of the world.”
“I mean, have you seen that shirtless Instagram photo of him reading?” added Azoulay, who exhaled sharply before dabbing her forehead with a handkerchief. “My God.”
Under the terms of UNESCO’s protections, Bardem can no longer be required to lose more than 2 ounces of muscle mass for an acting role or hide “that gorgeous bone structure” under makeup or prosthetics that might prevent posterity from crushing hard on him. UNESCO will also provide resources to keep the Academy Award winner’s well-defined torso and biceps oiled up and glistening in perpetuity.
According to sources, efforts to protect Bardem’s natural hotness took on particular urgency after a 2006 incident in which a haircut sustained during the filming of No Country For Old Men left him severely goofy-looking, and many feared his innate sexual magnetism would never recover. Preservationists breathed a sigh of relief when the actor’s looks returned to and even exceeded their pre-Chigurh levels, thanks in part to his cultivation of a profoundly sexy salt-and-pepper beard.
“We’ve lost so many hunks to physical neglect or botched restoration efforts over the years that finding one as remarkably well-preserved as Javier Bardem feels like nothing short of a miracle,” said Luis Casado, a leading scholar of male pulchritude who described how the loss of Leonardo DiCaprio’s V-line to the ravages of time still kept him up at night. “UNESCO World-Class Hunks like Denzel Washington and George Clooney are so much more than just built dudes with easy confidence and an irresistible aroma somewhere between tobacco and leather. They’re a living catalog of the shared horniness of all human cultures.”
“These men have been so well-preserved that, well into their sixties, you still feel a powerful urge to just lick them up and down, repeatedly,” he continued.
While UNESCO’s decision has drawn widespread praise, some fear the designation will drive an increase in global interest that could make Bardem less accessible to those for whom he holds the most meaning.
“I recognize that Javier is part of our shared erotic heritage and, in that sense, belongs to the entire world,” said actress Penélope Cruz, who is married to Bardem and has received UNESCO protected status herself. “Unfortunately, this honor brings a lot of attention with it, and now more than ever he’ll be swarmed by crowds of people and subject to the flash photography of paparazzi, things that do damage over time.”
“So maybe UNESCO needs to just back the fuck off,” Cruz added. “This sweet piece of ass is mine.”
