1.) Keep a journal of your feelings
Journaling isn’t just a hobby: it’s a mental health hack with proven benefits! One UCLA study found that journaling about your feelings can increase neuroplasticity, “rewiring” the brain for improved regulation of emotions. However, journaling is probably less effective than a tall, cold glass of codeine and promethazine-based cough syrup, which will reduce all troubling emotions to a pleasant purple haze.
2.) Exercise 30 minutes per day
Mental health and physical health are two sides of the same coin! If you’re feeling anxious, down, or stuck in your head, one of the best solutions is to get moving. 30 minutes of exercise will release endorphins and boost self-esteem. That said, not even a marathon can deliver the truckload of endorphins you’ll get from just a few sips of that sweet, silky lean.
3.) Develop good sleep hygiene
Getting 7 to 9 hours of sleep each night is crucial for mental wellness, but how can we build healthy sleep habits? Try cutting back on caffeine, listening to white noise in bed, and limiting screen time in the evening. These steps, however, are surely less helpful than drinking a delicious, fizzy blend of Sprite and syrup before bed. After 20 ounces of that drank you could watch Fast & Furious on IMAX, chug a huge can of Red Bull, and still get the best sleep of your life.
4.) Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness exercises like meditation and deep breathing may seem simple, but their benefits can be profound. One clinical trial at Michigan State found that Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) could be as beneficial as medication for treating anxiety disorders. If we’re being real though, meditation can be hard. For a quicker path to mindfulness, we recommend filling two styrofoam cups (stacked to prevent leakage) with cough syrup and Jolly Ranchers. You’ll be feeling at one with the universe in no time.
5.) Connect with your spiritual side
Whether or not you identify as religious, connecting with your personal sense of spirituality can help you find peace, belonging, and a sense of purpose. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, spiritual practices like worship and prayer can lead to a wide range of mental health benefits. So if you’re into that stuff, go for it–or save yourself a decade of spiritual searching by downing a tall glass of cough syrup. Jesus, Buddha, Krishna–once the Robitussin hits you won’t have to seek them out, they’ll come to you.
We hope you find these tips to be helpful! Above all, remember this simple rule for mental wellness: when you’re feeling blue, just grab some purple.
- About the Author
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Ethan Loewi is a writer from Portland, Oregon. His work has been published by Narrative, the Harvard Review, and Ploughshares, and he holds an MFA in creative writing from New York University. He is also an ordained minister, and would be happy to absolve you of your sins for a small Venmo payment. Or a large one, depending on the sins. You can find him on Instagram at @ethanloewi.
