British Prime Minister Keir Starmer: These are trying times, but I am confident we can come to a mutually satisfactory next chapter in our shared history. Speaking of history, how about this forthcoming new release from Taylor Swift? My United Kingdom for a time machine to see how she would have incorporated The Life of a Showgirl into the Eras Tour. Hell, maybe she’ll figure out time travel! It’d be the ultimate T-Swift Easter Egg!
Russian President Vladimir Putin: NATO membership for Ukraine is a non-starter! It must be taken off the table if these talks are to gain any traction. Like the legions of Swifties who proactively took to social media to defend their savior against even the slightest of negative reviews for The Tortured Poets Department, we will tolerate no dissent!
German Chancellor Friedrich Merz: Ukraine’s prospective NATO membership cannot be dismissed. It is an essential guardrail against any future acts of aggression. As we all know, an attack on one NATO-affiliated nation constitutes an attack on all of them. “Look What You Made Me Do,” right? Slay!
French President Emmanuel Macron: Key among these discussions is agreement on the facts. Despite claims to the contrary, it was Russia that invaded Ukraine, and not vice versa. Much like Ms. Swift’s bold retaliatory actions in the dispute over ownership of her masters (re-recording all her albums? Yas, queen!), we must stand firm against any attempts to re-write the past.
Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney: Isolationism is growing in foreign affairs. I’d like to remind our closest geographic neighbors, particularly the United States, that an occurrence halfway around the world has repercussions everywhere. Just look at how the Eras tour affected the world economy. T-Swift actually inflated the Gross Domestic Product of Brazil! It’s no wonder they projected her image onto the statue of Christ the Redeemer.
Chinese President Xi Jinping: There are nations on the other side of this conflict that stand to be affected by its outcome, China being one of them. We hope to avoid any unpleasant surprises in negotiations of the kind that contrast sharply with Ms. Swift’s revelation of her forthcoming new record. Censoring out the cover art until that day after the initial release announcement? Genius! Surpassed only by the announcement of her engagement. Even our censored version of the Internet will be broken by this!!
Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum Pardo: Despite Mr. Trump’s claims, a “big, beautiful ocean” is not a deterrent against aggression from Russia, or any of its rogue state allies. It would behoove all of us in North America to create a “squad” on par with the one Taylor has assembled, lifting up all boats in her glorious, ever-rising tide. But we can discuss the climate crisis at a future summit.
North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un: Despite our “Reputation” as a rogue state, North Korea will not allow its trade and military partnerships with Russia to be disrupted! We have also not forgotten the slight of not being visited by Ms. Swift during the overseas leg of the Eras Tour. I suppose, however, that much like my father before me, I can just abduct some of my citizens off the street to re-enact it.
Ukrainian President Vlodymyr Zelenskyy: Uh, listen: It’s obvious that everybody here loves Taylor Swift. Would it be worth trying to have her come in to broker peace? It seems like she’s the one person we can all trust to judge this thing fairly and compassionately. Remember how much importance was assigned to her endorsement during the U.S. President Election? What do you say?
U.S. President Donald Trump: I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT!
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Corey Pajka is a Brooklyn, NY-based writer. His satirical work has been published by Points In Case , Flexx Mag, The Weekly Humorist, Robot Butt, and The Satirist. His theatrical work has been produced regionally at theatres across the U.S. and in New York at Off and Off-Off Broadway venues. His radio plays are available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and other outlets. He is also a climate change activist, working with 350Brooklyn. He co-edits their bi-weekly newsletter and contributes to their e-magazine Parts Per Million. He is married to another playwright, and they have a Pembroke Welsh Corgi named Sancho Panza. www.coreypajka.com
