U.S. Military Carries Out Strike On Scuffy The Tugboat

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying the Pentagon had acted swiftly on an insider tip about the vessel having a “big adventure” planned, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth confirmed Tuesday that the U.S. military had carried out a strike on Scuffy the Tugboat. “Little Scuffy wasn’t content with merely floating around in the bathtub, so he made for the nearest river and quickly rose through the ranks of violent Venezuelan drug cartels to become a militarized narco-trafficking vessel,” said Hegseth, adding that Scuffy’s close ally, the man with the polka-dot tie, was clearly in league with President Nicolás Maduro. “This wasn’t just a toy tugboat—this was an enemy combatant tugboat that needed to be taken out for the safety of U.S. citizens. Just look at Scuffy’s big, soulless eyes. He was clearly high and carrying a great heavy load of dangerous fentanyl intended to kill your sons and daughters. We fired several warning shots at Scuffy, and he threatened us by saying, ‘Toot, toot,’ so we blasted that small but mighty tugboat with a blue smokestack right out of the water.” Hegseth confirmed the military was also investigating drug trafficking by train and would not hesitate to blow up the Little Engine That Could.