Men,
As you know, there is way too much chick energy floating around these days. And then, just like if God was punishing us over the chick energy, he took Hulk Hogan from us! Dudes, these are dark times.
So in memory of the Hulkster, we need to hold the line. Have you been exposed to the toxically feminine? There’s only one way to find out — put down the controllers, men, and answer the following scientific statements. Meet us on the other side for the cold hard truth.
1. If I get a Taylor Swift song in my head I…
a) annihilate it with Pantera.
b) pound beer until I puke.
c) look up the full lyrics.
2. After learning that Anna Wintour was stepping away from U. S. Vogue I…
a) who the fuck is Anna Wintour?
b) U. S. Vogue. Sounds like a real asshole.
c) wish Anna all the best as she hands the reins to Chloe Malle.
3. I have fallen asleep during porn and…
a) continued with dream porn.
b) woken myself up to do more porn.
c) awakened refreshed and ready for more productive endeavors.
4. If someone recommended a book by Jane Austen I would…
a) did she ever do it with Anna Wintour?
b) is she as hot as Jenna Jameson used to be?
c) begin reading with relish.
5. If I knew I’d never get caught I would…
a) piss in U.S. Vogue’s beer.
b) hump a park statue, especially one with a horse.
c) watch every movie Julie Andrews ever made.
6. When I spot a doily on a piece of furniture I…
a) get the fuck out of the doily room.
b) blow my nose on it.
c) get all the warm grandma feels.
7. I sometimes get the urge to…
a) hump a park statue (w/horse).
b) hump your sister.
c) moisturize.
8. I don’t always remember my…
a) wet dreams.
b) middle name.
c) finest etiquette.
9. Sometimes I also get the urge to…
a) mix vodka and Dave’s Insanity Sauce.
b) hump your other sister.
c) put an outfit together.
10. There is definitely hair sprouting out of my…
a) nose.
b) nose and ears and possibly ass.
c) only the recommended locations.
If you answered “c” to one or two of our scientific statements, you’re not too bad. Just steer clear of the womenfolk for a while. That includes your mother, dude. You are going to bed without supper.
If you answered “c” to 3-6 statements, you are definitely Medium Toxic. That’s no good, bro! Immediately binge Chuck Norris in Walker, Texas Ranger. The classics will never let you down.
Ok, this is getting serious. If you answered “c” to seven or more statements, you are Totally Toxic from the Feminine!! Dude!!!
There’s not a helluva lot we can do for you now, Shirley, except maybe throw a funeral for your dear departed balls.
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Kate writes humor and poetry, genres so incompatible that only frequent shopping trips to Designer Shoe Warehouse can calm her inner turmoil. www.wearyourcape.com
