Art by Matt Smith
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Now, evuhryone knows that the Vikings were some sehriously hahdco’ah fuckin’ fightahs. ’Cept most’ah ’em actually didn’t go a-viking as they just stayed there in their frigid fuckin’ homelands fahmin’ n’ fishin’ n’ shit. But those that did go a-viking, they were some hahdco’ah fuckin’ fightahs… when they weren’t too busy tradin’ tah be supah fuckin’ violent that is. I guess accumulatin’ material wealth has always been a top human priahrity regahdless’ah race, gender, creed, ah innate inclination towahds extreme violence.
But anyway, the point is, when they fought, the Vikings fought hahd! N’ some’ah the ones that got the most famous fahr fightin’ the fuckin’ hahdest were the Varangians who fought in Constantinople befoh r’it turned intah a Turkish caliphate ah whatevah. Back in those days, it was really just East Rome, n’ its empehrahs always needed guys tah protect ’em from assassins n’ shit, n’ the Varangians were really good at that which is why they got known as the Varangian Guard since they guahrded the empehrah.
The Varangians ’emselves, though, they were basic’ly just specialized viking warriahs, n’ since East Rome was in the east, it meant the Varangians were mainly Swedes n’ Rus as opposed tah Danes ah Norwegians who were mostly preoccupied with fuckin’ shit up ovah r’in England n’ France. The Rus bein’ the Swedes that took over lahge pahts’ah Eastern Europe n’ founded Russia, of course.
Anyway, these Swedish Rus guys had already attacked East Rome a few times stahtin’ in the 800s; it’s just the sohrt’ah thing they did even if they didn’t make the huge waves their buddies were makin’ ovah r’in western Europe. But then Swedish Russia ended up havin’ a fuckin’ dynastic conflict in the late 900s, n’ the winnah was this guy, Vladimir, who had fled tah actual Sweden. But then he returned to Swedish Russia n’ was like, “Look at the 6000 fuckin’ Swedish wahrriahs I got with me! Now I’m gonnah kill my brothah r’n conque’ah the fuckin’ place n’ be the king’ah Kiev.”
Which is weird but Kiev was basic’ly the capital’ah Swedish Russia at the time since Moscow was just a crappy, little backwatah village. The only othah majah city in Swedish Russia was Novgorod. It’s kindah fuckin’ messy tah be honest, with all the changes’ah bohrdahs n’ vahrious stages’ah fohrmation n’ detehrioration’ah nations n’ all that happened in the last one thousand years, not tah mention the fact that the Swedish Rus eventually became totally assimilated n’ Slavicized, which was already happenin’ with Vladimir since he even had a Slavic rathah r‘en a Nohrdic name. But the point I really wannah fuckin’ stress hee’ah r’is that Russia as we know it today basic’ly stahted out as a Swedish colony.
Anyway, the word “Varangian” is probably an Old Norse refrence tah takin’ an oath, which makes sense since Vladimir’s six thousand Swedish fightahs all swo’ah r’oaths tah him. But now these guys ahr gettin’ boah’d sittin’ ’round Kiev. They’re all like, “I didn’t come all the way out hee’ah tah twiddle my thumbs n’ not kill nobody!”
I mean shit, they’re seriously getting antsy now. Fohrtunately, Vladimir’s been wheelin’ n’ dealin’ with the East Roman empehrah n’ he arranges this deal where he gets to mahrry the empehrah’s sistah r’in exchange fahr sendin’ his Varangians tah Constantinople tah help put down a rebellion.
N’ when the proceedin’ acts’ah ultra violence die down, the empehrah decides he really likes these Varangians so he retains ’em as his own pehrsonal body guard n’ he gives ’em special privileges. He’s kindah like a devoted readah r’ah trashy romance ah romantasy novels, tah be honest. He just loves being surrounded by tall, handsome hunks who ahr supah well-dressed in silken gahrments n’ also ahrmed tah the teeth with huge fuckin’ axes n’ shit but who can’t vehrbally communicate.
N’ so Swedes n’ Rus guys continue tah go tah Constantinople tah join the Varangian Guard fahr centuhries since it was a clee’ah fuckin’ ticket tah wealth n’ fame. N’ people from othah countries got in on it, too, the most famous bein’ Harald Hardrada who was an exiled Nahwegian king. He’s the guy who took his crown back aftahwahds but then went n’ got himself killed at Stamford Bridge in 1066, pretty much decimatin’ the English ahrmy just a few weeks priah tah the bastahd William’ah Normandy showin’ up n’ conquah’rin’ the whole fuckin’ place. N’ when that happened, lots’ah English fighters went n’ joined the Varangian Guard, too.
The whole arrangement wohrked out pretty good till ‘bout 1204 when the French n’ Italians went n’ sacked the shit outtah Constantinople.
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SKÁL!
Children of Tax and Tea is a special edition full-color, illustrated, hardback, humorous history book about the Vikings written in the charmingly profane tone of a foul-mouthed Bostonian. The book stems from McSweeney’s longest-running humor column, “Norse History for Bostonians,” written by Rowdy Geirsson since 2010 and illustrated by Matt Smith since 2017.
