Sorry, new kid, we’re already sitting here. Hang on, are you Christopher Columbus? I’m India. People keep saying you can’t stop talking about me. They say you’ve been, like, looking for me? Weird.
Wait, I heard you found a whole other country and thought it was me. Is that true? That’s so embarrassing. Why are you obsessed with me?
Is that a map you drew of me? OMG, I do not look like that. Why’d you draw me so small and Italy so big? I’m literally ten times bigger. Is this your way of trying to make yourself relevant? That’s honestly so insecure of you.
No, like, someone told me you wrote a whole letter to the king and queen of Spain saying you “discovered” me?! That’s so sad. We’ve all been here, and you literally just got here. Wait, you seriously didn’t know about the Americas?
Bangladesh, stop laughing! Seriously, you’re being mean.
Sorry, those are my other Asian friends. We’re really caffeinated right now. We drink a lot of tea. And we spill it, lolz. So like, why do you keep talking about me? You want my spices? Turmeric and chili peppers? No offense, but you don’t look like you can handle those.
What’s in your lunch? Luh-ZAA-gna? Oh my god, I was wondering what that smell was. Do I wanna try it? Um, no thanks, I’m good. European food always gives me diarrhea.
So, what’re you again? A colonizer? That makes sense, you seem like you have a small dick.
Pakistan, stop laughing! Yes, his voice is really high, but you’re being mean.
Someone told me you want to, like, spread Christianity all over me? Gross. Oh, wait, I think I’ve heard of that. It’s a religion, right? How many gods does Christianity have? Oh, just one? That’s sad. Hinduism has, like, tons. Plus, these epic poems that date as far back as 1100 BCE. When did you guys get Christianity again? 1 CE? Wow. That means Hinduism was here for thousands of years before your thing showed up. But good luck with that. What do you guys do for that big holiday again… Christ-mas? You feast on a boar’s head? That’s disgusting.
Can I be real? Your lips are so dry that it’s distracting when you talk. Just use lip balm. What? Seriously, you don’t know what that is? Oh my god, guys, he doesn’t know! He’s saying it doesn’t exist in Italy.
Sri Lanka, stop laughing!
Sorry about her. Anyway, it’s made from beeswax and plant oils. Indians have had it for a really long time. We’re big on moisturizing. I feel like you should try it—your skin is definitely suffocating under those tights. Is that really how people dress where you come from? Oh. No, it’s… cool. I guess the trend there is to be, like, strangled by your clothes.
Hold on, so your religion is Christianity, your main holiday is Christ-mas, and your name is literally Christ-opher? Whoa. Sorry, I just can’t believe how basic that is. You guys need to get out more. You go to where? Mass? I’m sorry, I literally can’t focus. Your lips are flakier than a samosa crust.
Ugh, here, just take my lip balm. What’s this red stuff on my hand? It’s mehendi. What’s mehendi? Oh, it’s when you make paste from a henna plant to decorate your skin for fun parties, like weddings and festivals. It’s cool cause it gives you good luck, plus it makes your hands look snatched.
What’s that red stuff on your hand? Smallpox? Do you have a fever? I thought you were just sweating so much cause you’re wearing a tight fur-lined wool jacket. Do you feel disoriented? That makes sense, you got hella lost looking for me. Seriously, that map you drew is trash.
What do you mean I’m not saying your name right? It’s not Chr… riss… ttopphhher? Sorry, it’s just really weird and hard to say. You know what? I’m just gonna call you Karthik.
