You probably don’t hear “River of Dreams” much anymore. It’s never on the radio, and no one is streaming that song of their own free will. But here in my dental practice, I hear “River of Dreams” at least fifteen times a day. Once per appointment, in fact.
Honestly, it’s out of my hands. Billy Joel and the American Dental Association reached a binding agreement sometime in the mid-2000s. Dentists across America are required by law to pump out “River of Dreams” so that every patient hears it when they’re in the office. In exchange, we get, well, I don’t know what. But four out of five of us agree “River of Dreams” is a banger. We’re legally obligated to say that.
There are several reasons that a dentist might have their license revoked, including unprofessional conduct, substance abuse, or refusing to play “River of Dreams” in the office once per appointment. Playing “River of Dreams” during your dental appointment is as much a part of our jobs as root canals. At least twenty-five questions on the INBDE are related to “River of Dreams.” For example, “What is the best treatment for lesions on the labial buccal mucosa that causes the patient to, in the middle of the night, go walking in their sleep?” Several of the questions aren’t even about teeth. “How many times has Billy Joel played Madison Square Garden?” If you’re a licensed dentist, you know that the answer is one hundred and fifty.
I bet you’re one of those people who thought that once the millennium started, you’d never have to hear “River of Dreams” again. I used to feel that way until I became a dentist. Now, I live every day like it’s 1993. That may sound upsetting, but I assure you that you get used to it. Especially when Billy Joel’s people call every Saturday to ask your receptionist how many times you played “River of Dreams” in the office that week.
You think I’ve got it rough bopping to this earworm while I’m drilling out a cavity? You should ask Sharon how she feels about having to count plays of that song all day, every day. Last Thursday, I asked her how her grandkids were doing, and she replied that Becky made the honor roll, and we all end in the oceans and we all start in the streams. I’m concerned she may need to take a leave of absence.
Did you know that “River of Dreams” is over four minutes long? Believe me, you’ll feel every minute of it. And once you get through all the verses, there’s over a minute of refrain to listen to. Don’t tell me that I can just go ahead and skip to the end of the ninth “I go walking.” You have to play the whole song from beginning to end. They know when you don’t play it from beginning to end.
Why did it have to be this song? I could listen to “Always a Woman” or even “The Longest Time” over and over if I had to. But no, the ADA and Mr. Joel said the song we play in our practices must be “River of Dreams.” It’s just another part of the job that’s less than ideal, like being bitten by children or examining someone who hasn’t brushed their teeth in a decade. Sometimes I find myself singing “River of Dreams” outside of the office without even realizing it. In the shower. At dinner. In the middle of sex with my wife.
Sure, I think about changing professions. Wouldn’t you? Maybe I could become a CPA or a realtor. As far as I know, Billy Joel doesn’t have any deals with the Realty Association. But being a dentist is my calling. It’s a part of me. And so is “River of Dreams.” I realize now that listening to it play every day, multiple times a day, is the cost of doing what I love. It’s the sacrifice I must make.
At least that’s what I tell myself. Some days, I wake up and think about the music that awaits me at my practice, and it’s hard to go on. That’s when I feel just how wide that river really is and just how hard it is to cross.
