Pet Sematary
“Sometimes dead is better, especially if medical treatment can only be obtained through insurance subsidies.”
Alien
“In congressional recess, no one can hear you scream.”
The Fly
“Be afraid. Be very afraid of air traffic controllers selfishly lashing out by not showing up to work for no pay.”
Jaws 2
“Just when you thought it was safe to raise the premiums.”
The Ring
“Before you die, you see that every shutdown in history was the Democrats’ fault.”
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
“Who will survive the massive federal layoffs, and what will be left of their savings accounts?
Halloween
“The night he came home… after accidentally laying off 700 extra CDC employees. (He’ll reinstate them in the morning.)”
Poltergeist
“They’re here… to demand free healthcare for undocumented immigrants.”
Dawn of the Dead
“When there’s no more room in the budget, the dead will understand that the billionaires needed their tax breaks.”
The Thing
“Mar-a-Lago is the warmest place to hide.”
Carrie
“If you’ve got a taste for terror…take Carrie to protest at an ICE facility. They’re the most essential of workers.”
The Lost Boys
“Sleep all day. Tweet all night. Never negotiate. Still get paid. It’s fun to be a congressman.”
A Nightmare on Elm Street
“If Nancy doesn’t wake up screaming, we haven’t done our jobs properly.”
- About the Author
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Caroline Horwitz’s humor has appeared in McSweeney’s, Points in Case, Slackjaw, Frazzled, Jane Austen’s Wastebasket, The Belladonna Comedy, Functionally Dead, and more. She lives in Pittsburgh with her husband and kids.
