“Elijah Clark, a consultant who advises companies on AI implementation, is blunt about the bottom line. ’CEOs are extremely excited about the opportunities that AI brings,” he says. ’As a CEO myself, I can tell you, I’m extremely excited about it. I’ve laid off employees myself because of AI. AI doesn’t go on strike. It doesn’t ask for a pay raise.” — Gizmodo
– – –
Hi team,
Happy Taco Tuesday, and blessed Q3 Hustle VibesTM from your CEO, Rockin’ Rickie.
First off: thank you. Your hard work is why Bin There, Felt That remains the first and only company dedicated to manufacturing trash cans for adult children of divorce. What we do is vital. It’s a lot like open-heart surgery, but with a slightly higher body count and way more cupholders. I’m proud to lead a crew—nay, familia—bound by five core values: integrity, passion, collaboration, mixing up women employees—but in a respectful way—and honesty. With that in mind, I wanted to address a recent interview in which I was egregiously misquoted as saying: “I legit can’t wait to fire these ungrateful poors with our company’s new AI agent.”
The full quote was actually, “I legit can’t wait to fire these ungrateful poors with our company’s new AI agent in a way that is elegant, humane, and synergistic.” It’s a subtle but important distinction, just like the difference between my assistant, Slut Anna, and head of marketing, Hot Hannah (both blonde, but one wears skirts). Still, I could see how it may have sounded insensitive. In the words of Buddha, “Namaste and Shalom, bros. My bad, fr fr.” (ChatGPT helped me find that quote; it’s remarkably contemporary.)
My intention was not to be rude, but to simply have an 8 a.m. chicken breast breakfast smoothie with my buddy Joey. Joey and I have a complicated relationship. I’m always suggesting new hairstyles that could make him feel more confident, and he’s always asking to “interview” me because he is a “reporter.” But rest assured, after publishing that quote—even after I said “off the record” six or seven times, three hours later—our friendship is over.
This whole ordeal has been a terrible introduction to our new team member, JOË (yes, named after Joey, back when I thought we were blood brothers, and I can’t figure out how to undo it). JOË is an AI agent who specializes in laying off employees nicely. He’s like if Buddha had guts. Losing your job used to feel like a divorce. With new technology, it still does—but in a good way.
You’re going to love him. JOË genuinely cares about your mental well-being, even in challenging moments—like being shown the door unexpectedly, or being shown the door unexpectedly while on your period. (I see you, Slut Hannah and Hot Anna. Or wait—Hot Hannah and Slut Anna? Shit.)
JOË will write your final performance review with compassion (“Crushed it, but tragically, we no longer value that”), turn your severance package into a “Congrats on your next adventure!” GIF starring one of my taxidermy animals making unsettling eye contact, and ping you every thirty seconds with gentle reminders to remove your shit from the office.
And you know what’s incredible? We’ve already seen the value add. As of this morning, JOË has taken over payroll, HR, and the weekly Fun Lunch order from Panera—which we can now enjoy in peace, since Jen from HR will no longer be around to complain about how the “Toasted Italiano Sandwich is sooo good but goes right through her.” Jen, if you’re reading this, you can tap out right about now.
For those of you who don’t get laid off, JOË hasn’t forgotten you: he can also handle other time-consuming busywork, no matter how soul-numbing. For example, after the article, JOË helped me draft a cease-and-desist to Joey, which freed up time for me to go to his house, wrap him in a bedsheet, and toss him in a lake outside Reno, allegedly.
I know that change is scary. I myself was terrified to start going by Rockin’ Rickie. But change is growth, growth is profit, and profit is the ultimate form of self-care. Or as Buddha says: “If you feel strange, try a sound bath.” If you’d like to speak to me about any of this, please don’t hesitate to reach out to JOË. I am currently at a silent meditation retreat for men of 5’8 experience, but JOË will simulate my voice, only deeper. I mean kinder.
Namaste, Shalom, and Happy Q3, Rickie Slam
(He/Him/Human)
CEO | Bin There, Felt That
(This email was written by JOË v3.1, with minor edits from JOË v3.0 and a single word—“synergistic”—contributed by a human intern, who has since been offboarded.)
