Take a deep breath in, because you’re going to need all the calm you can get. Your greatest nightmare has just become a reality: There is a spider.
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Right over in that corner, where literally every other day of your life there has not been a spider, there now is a spider. How it got into your home remains unclear, as it’s only morning, and you haven’t even opened the door yet. But how it happened matters not. The issue is that it not only happened, but is happening. Right there, there is a spider. Yes.
You’ve always known this was possible. Still, despite your many terrible dreams where there was a spider, you never truly felt that there being a spider could happen to you. Other people, sure. Other people have bad luck. But you were blessed—you would never have to deal with there being a spider.
Or so you thought.
Alas, here you are, living in some sort of twisted, M. Night Shyamalan hell. Because not only is there a spider, but the spider is near. Even worse, it’s drawing closer. Worse still, it is big. Worse yet, it is hairy. Worst of all, it is scary.
Dear God in Heaven, please make it end! Please strike the spider dead!
What options do you even have? Calling an ambulance or calling the police? Or animal control, perhaps that’s best? You know what, maybe just let the spider kill you. It’s too late for you now. You’ve had a good run, haven’t you? You’ve won a spelling bee, kissed a lover at sunset, even tried escargot. It’s your time to go. Welcome, spider. Come on and play.
