Let us set the record straight: President Trump is not a king, and the White House is not a castle.
To those suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome, a big, beautiful ballroom might reek of the worst of eighteenth-century Versailles; however, this particular gilded, jumbo-sized event space reeks of American spirit, unrigged elections, and Brut by Fabergé. This is a privately funded ballroom for the people—the ticket-holding, well-connected, Stephen Miller–vetted people—all at no cost to the American public.
Also duty-free? The crocodile moat we’re installing around the White House grounds.
At first glance, a crocodile moat may seem archaic and unnecessarily sinister for a place that hosts annual Easter Egg rolls, but we’d argue the moat is a grave matter of national security. For centuries, American presidents have been clamoring for a crocodile moat at the White House. All the greatest lairs and strongholds throughout history and historical fiction have had moats filled with crocodiles. And a democratic country needs a presidential fortress, and a fortress needs a moat. President Trump is the first president to actually have the stones to get it done.
Plus, we had the construction equipment just lying around, waiting to be used. We knocked the East Wing down in record time. So far, installing the new moat has mainly required digging up surrounding sidewalks, roads, and two churches, but the president is willing to bulldoze anything of historical significance that may stand in his way.
Again, this is not costing taxpayers a dime. Instead, we’re using anywhere from $250 million to infinity dollars in private donations from corporations, universities, and American patriots who don’t want their names revealed.
And it’s not just the moat. See those large, looming, revolving turrets? They are courtesy of our pals at Palantir. Light surveillance among friends is the cornerstone of a functioning democratic society.
Those menacing pikes lining the perimeter are brought to you by an anonymous $20 million donation from a little company that rhymes with “Old Man Hacks.” And Vanderbilt University gifted us the trebuchet. It’s very nice that they’re so eager to play ball.
ABC (via settlement) donated the solid gold drawbridge and, as a gesture of goodwill, is re-rebooting Dynasty. The dungeon was hand-crafted pro bono by Eric, Don Jr., and Kid Rock’s pyrotechnic coordinator. We’re not sure who put Nancy Pelosi’s name placard above one of the cells, but it’s funny, so we’re leaving it. A healthy democracy has a sense of humor. Lighten up, peasants.
Also, a fully-funded, fully-functional Hard Rock Cafe just kind of showed up on the lawn overnight.
There are three thousand crocodiles in the moat. Many were gifted from semi-legal adventure parks in Florida, but a bunch came from Stephen Miller’s personal collection. In exchange for his selflessness, we have offered Steve lifetime immunity should the White House somehow change hands in the future. This is not a quid pro quo; it’s a quid pro croc.
Sure, anyone can look at all the hungry crocodiles in horror, particularly if they’re dangling above the moat. But it will make trade negotiations a whole lot easier. And while we’re on the subject of tax dollars, we will be using the imminent $230 million DOJ payout on an infinity pool and a connecting Jacuzzi tub—that’s unavoidable. But it’s also truly, madly, deeply American.
We realize leftist snowflakes are afraid of change, regardless of who’s paying for it. To that, we say: This isn’t the first time the White House grounds have been tweaked. Remember Barack Hussein Obama’s basketball court? Unlike that pointless vanity project—which served absolutely no purpose for people who can’t shoot hoops—the gigantic ballroom, crocodile moat, and Hard Rock Cafe: White House will strengthen our standing on the global stage as a pillar of democratic ideals.
And again, there are no kings, and this is no castle. The only monarchs here are the confused butterflies in the Rose Garden, which we recently paved over. But don’t worry about those bugs; Kristi Noem is dealing with them.
