PH: First of all, thanks to all of you for agreeing to meet here in this unique fashion today. I also realize that most of you are early risers, so my apologies for the late morning hour. I had a bit of a late night yesterday, and haven’t gotten my sea legs yet. Hey, Coast Guard in the house, amiright?
(light coughing in background)
As you have no doubt noticed, our country is going through big changes, because as you all know, sometimes the smallest pricks can cast the longest shadows. And today, that shadow is President Donald Trump. I’m sorry, I may still be a little drunk.
So listen, we have the greatest respect for our nation’s military service; why, just this morning I overheard Mike Johnson offer a hearty “Yo Joe!” in order to put a little scare into the White House’s landscaping staff.
But some of this stuff is, you’ll have to admit, a bit much. Who’s the guy with the bald, metallic head? And I’m noticing that several of you have machine guns, flamethrowers and / or lasers instead of arms. I don’t think that I need to remind you that we take a poor view of DEI type policies.
And yes, the elephant in the room is women in the military, okay? Actually, the elephant in the room is Trump! Ha, right? Oh Christ, I am so drunk.
But right, women in the military… I guess it’s too late to reverse course at this point, but can we agree that having bosomy women dressed in tight fitting black leather out there in the field is distracting at best? And I’ve already been receiving many complaints already about ladies not being allowed to wrap themselves in tight fitting leather if the men can’t as well.
So without further horrifyingly insulting commentary on your life’s work, here’s even more from our president, Donald Trump!
(weaves to one side, kneels and vomits violently)
Hey, that was actually the exact right response, ha! Fuck, where am I again?
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence
