Visibly Bruised Pete Hegseth Declares Wobbly Barstools Threat To National Security

WASHINGTON—Occasionally pausing to rub his bleeding temple as he delivered the statement, visibly bruised Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth declared Friday that wobbly barstools were a threat to national security. “Our enemies are attempting to destabilize the United States by planting those rickety deathtraps in our nation’s restaurants, breweries, and watering holes, and now they have targeted me personally,” said a wincing Hegseth, who had sustained multiple soft tissue injuries the previous evening after falling from a 3-foot-tall seat while consuming his fourth scorpion bowl. “This is a threat to the American way of drinking, and the U.S. military must act quickly before wobbly stools infiltrate every bar in the country. The terrorists behind this plot are highly sophisticated and organized, as they somehow tricked me into believing that the stool had a back to it when I first sat down. And I swear, they’re making these fuckers higher every day. Our nation’s enemies want us falling over.” Hegseth went on to announce that the bartender who cut him off was also a threat to the nation.