Trump Defends Demolition Of Yggdrasil, Ancient Tree Of Life

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the sacred ash tree had outlived its usefulness and needed to be updated, President Donald Trump made remarks Monday defending his demolition of Yggdrasil, the ancient tree of life. “Yggdrasil was becoming a total eyesore and its roots could barely be used to travel from the well Urðarbrunnr to the spring Hvergelmir,” said Trump, who reportedly went on to assert his right to fell the tree by citing a controversial legal reading of the Poetic Edda. “Maybe if Biden hadn’t let those four sacred harts eat Yggdrasil’s leaves, it wouldn’t have had to come down, but by the end, that thing was completely infested—you had the squirrel Ratatoskr scurrying up and down its trunk and the dragon Nidhogg biting at its roots, and down in Hvergelmir, they say, so many snakes. More snakes than you’ve ever seen. But now that we’ve gotten rid of that health hazard we’re going to build something even bigger and better there, and Odin’s going to use it as a gallows to sacrifice himself to himself and it’s going to be so incredible.” At press time, Trump reportedly pivoted from discussing Yggdrasil’s demolition to defend his unauthorized military strikes on Jörmungandr the World Serpent.