It’s always nice to see companies being transparent and honest about their products even when it might hurt their bottom line, and this display of forthrightness by a major retailer is so brilliant you’ll find yourself wondering why nobody thought to do it before: The tags on Halloween Express costumes will now include the percentage chance that wearing it will ruin your life.
Whoa! Not having your life ruined is actually a super important factor in deciding which costume to wear on Halloween, so this rocks!
We’ve all heard stories about ill-advised Halloween costumes coming back to haunt those who wore them, and Halloween Express is finally pitching in to let customers know what they might be getting themselves into when they dress up for a spooky night on the town. Each and every costume from Halloween Express will now come with a tag that clearly displays, from 0.1% to 100%, the chances that particular costume will result in the complete destruction of the wearer’s life, whether via loss of employment, social ostracization, or getting turned into a meme. Considering being a gnome for Halloween this year? Great choice, because according to Halloween Express’ new tag, there’s only a 4% chance that a gnome costume will end up ruining your life. Want to be Barack Obama? That one’s a little trickier. The tag shows two numbers, 5% and 35%, which we can only assume means that the odds an Obama costume turns out to be a life-destroyer depends on the race of the wearer.
“Celebrating Halloween is all about having fun,” explains Halloween Express president Curtis Sigretto, “But it can also be all about ruining your life. While shifting cultural sensitivities mean that every possible Halloween costume comes with a nonzero chance of making you an unemployable social outcast, we’ve invested hundreds of thousands of dollars in calculating the odds that each costume we sell will straight-up fuck your life up for good. Want to be a mummy this Halloween? Might seem safe now, but our in-house AI predicts that over the next 50 years, there’s actually a 38% chance that a spooky but otherwise seemingly harmless mummy costume is going to cost you your career, your savings, your family…everything. And that number is printed right there on the tag for everyone to see.”
Dang! After hearing about this it seems like buying a Halloween costume from anywhere but Halloween Express is a risk you just might not want to take.
So, what do you think? Are you willing to leave possibly having your life ruined to chance, or are you going to head to Halloween Express and at least be able to get a gauge on what the odds are that a photo of you in a K-Pop Demon Hunters costume is going to circulate online in 11 years and ruin your life? Whatever you choose to do, we can all agree it’s refreshing to see a big retailer like Halloween Express being this transparent with their offerings!
