“New York millionaires are plotting their exit from the city after the election of Zohran Mamdani, the socialist who plans to increase the taxes of the rich.”
—The Telegraph
– – –
Well, looks like the unthinkable has happened—Zohran Mamdani will be the next mayor of New York City. As the founder of a bro culture clickbait site who has been repeatedly accused of sexual misconduct, I hate to see this city going in such an obviously bad direction. If New York City is no longer going to be an unaffordable police state run by crooks, I’m taking my hard-earned sex-pest dollars elsewhere.
When I heard Mamdani had won the Democratic primary a few months ago, I was so incandescently angry that I scissor-kicked a hole in my drywall. I couldn’t stand the thought of a socialist running a city that is supposed to be managed by egomaniacal kleptocrats. Still, I held out hope that Mamdani’s sex-offender opponent would ultimately prevail. Now, my fellow wealthy serial molesters and I have no choice but to move our ill-reputed businesses elsewhere while we find other towns full of unsuspecting women to harass. Good luck without us, Gotham.
It’s appalling that Mamdani is going to use his new position of power to make New York more livable for average citizens at the expense of industrious job creators/alleged rapists like myself. I earned every penny of my fortune the hard way—by eating pizza and talking about sports—and I am not about to fork over an extra cent just so dishwashers and barbacks can afford to buy groceries. If I had a choice between my taxes going up by 2 percent and every New York schoolchild getting enough to eat, you better believe I’d be letting those little brats scour the subway for enough loose change to buy a chopped cheese. Starvation builds character.
When I’m in the city, I want the authentic New York experience—getting served a hot slice of pepperoni pie by a Turkish immigrant who commutes in from Pennsylvania because he can’t afford to live anywhere in the five boroughs. Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer a city where everyday residents have to work three jobs and are under constant threat of eviction. Anything short of an excruciating existence for the working class just doesn’t cut it for me.
New York City municipal politics is supposed to be a Kafkaesque bureaucratic machine designed to benefit the elites. The mayor of New York should be a mustache-twirling Batman villain whom everyone despises, not a handsome, bearded Zillennial whom crowds cheer for every time he hops on stage at the club to explain his plans to freeze rent.
What happened to the old New York, where creepy freaks could make an honest living running manosphere blogs that advertise virility pills in between slightly racist hot takes on sports? What happened to the New York that catered to Wall Street coke heads, shady tech founders, and crypto-fascist billionaires? What happened to the New York that was run by predators, for predators?
Instead, New York is going to turn into a communist hellhole where poor people are barely exploitable anymore. If that’s the case, count me out. I’m packing up the offices of my toxic masculinity troll site and taking my miscreant talents somewhere they’ll be appreciated, like Florida or Texas. Let’s see how the Big Apple fares without frat boy media companies and our sexual-deviant dollars. Millionaire perverts are the lifeblood of this city.
Plus, I’d much rather swipe the apps in a city where I’m not already on all the local dating-safety watchlists.
