Study: Practicing Kung Fu Naked In Mirror Best Indicator Of Being Domestic Terrorist

ARLINGTON, VA—In a finding that researchers confirmed could greatly assist in identifying potential bad actors, a study released Friday by the Department of Defense concluded that practicing kung fu naked in the mirror was the best indicator of being a domestic terrorist. “Our research determined that performing precision Shaolin kung fu while nude before a living room mirror is one of the most common signs that you are a disgraced army colonel looking to get even with the U.S. government,” said study author Clarissa Sunderland, who discussed how admiring one’s own rippling and sweat-dappled muscles while throwing punch after punch in the horse stance suggested an 83% likelihood of being an ex-military contractor planning to recruit highly skilled soldiers of fortune to carry out an act of vengeance at an airport, bank, mall, or luxury hotel. “Really, we need to focus far more on finding at-risk individuals who wield nunchaku and scream while their exposed ass is on full display in their den. There’s virtually no chance they aren’t going to get involved in a significant hostage situation. Now, if that naked person happens to be completely bald and bears a tattoo of their disbanded black-ops squadron on their bicep? Well, we should probably just arrest them immediately.” The study concluded that the greatest warning sign of all was if such a person then answered a call from a lackey and simply said, “Good—it begins,” before cracking the cell phone in half.