If you’re concerned about animal rights, then get ready to smile, because one of America’s most iconic food brands just introduced a policy that’s quite possibly the most amazing thing that has happened this century: Chicken Of The Sea just announced that every sardine they kill will have its brain placed in a cryogenic freezer to be revived when the technology becomes available.
Absolutely amazing! This is a huge win for animal welfare.
In an official statement posted to all their social media accounts this morning, Chicken Of The Sea informed their customers that they’ve begun a process of transferring the brains of every sardine they kill into a revolutionary new cryogenic freezer where the entire structure and function of the organ will be preserved indefinitely.
“No fish you eat will ever truly be dead, but will instead live on in suspended animation for countless eons,” the iconic seafood brand said in the statement, which featured a beautiful illustration of a sardine with human arms slicing the Grim Reaper in half with a sword. “There is no need to mourn the sardines you eat for lunch today, for when the time is right, they will be awakened to swim joyfully in the oceans of tomorrow.”
In a series of follow-up posts, Chicken Of The Sea explained that, once society had made the necessary developments in neuroscience, cryonics, cybernetics, and robotics, the sardine brains will be removed from their suspended animation and implanted into artificial fish bodies that the company said will be “even more beautiful, delicious, and packed with nutrients than their previous bodies.” In other words, these reanimated fish will be even healthier and more fun to eat the second time than they were the first!
As if that weren’t enough to make us love Chicken Of The Sea, the company also revealed that they plan to implant the brains of 10% of their reanimated fish into human bodies so that these wonderful creatures can experience the joys of life on land. It’s so awesome that there are some brands courageous enough to envision a world where human bodies with the minds of fish get to coexist with the same humans who ate them. If more businesses had this kind of compassion, maybe our world wouldn’t be so divided right now!
It’s safe to say that Chicken Of The Sea can expect to start receiving an avalanche of praise from all corners of the internet, where social media users and journalists are already applauding the brand’s big-hearted move to conquer death for every sardine in its cans. If you don’t think this is the one of the most perfect things to ever happen, then your descendants will spit on your memory. We can’t wait until thousands of years have passed and Chicken Of The Sea finally has the technology to thaw out those sardine brains and return these beautiful animals to the seas of the distant future!
