Pentagon Blames Venezuela For Flow Of Drugs Into Kash Patel

WASHINGTON—Calling the national crisis “a complete justification” for additional airstrikes on boats purportedly trafficking narcotics, the Pentagon issued a statement Tuesday blaming Venezuela for the flow of drugs into Kash Patel. “Day after day, Venezuela’s violent cartels smuggle illicit narcotics across the border and into our country’s FBI director,” said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, adding that the South American nation was responsible for 90% of the illicit chemicals flowing through Patel’s veins at any given moment. “This week we destroyed a vessel that was loaded with enough drugs to make Kash Patel humiliate himself during multiple press appearances, and God only knows how many more boats are on their way. Kash once had a bright future, but the narco-terrorists have turned him into a shell of a man who is constantly covered in sweat and clearly losing his mind. We are not afraid to use violence to prevent Venezuelan drug traffickers from continuing to make billions of dollars off Kash Patel.” According to administration officials, Hegseth has repeatedly attempted to help the FBI director by advising him to switch to booze.