If you’re the parent of a teen, you absolutely cannot afford to ignore the findings of a shocking new health study that’s completely upending the world of medicine: Medical researchers have discovered Professor Rat’s Puberty Medicine For Boys Of All Sizes is causing many teenagers to smell like shit and transform into rats.
There’s no way to sugarcoat it: This is a full-blown crisis, especially considering how many boys of all sizes currently take this puberty medicine.
The study, which was published by leading research physicians at Baltimore’s John Hopkins University School Of Medicine, studied over 46 million boys over the course of 40 years and found that, of the 26 million of them who turned into rats and smelled like shit, more than 80% regularly ingested Professor Rat’s Puberty Medicine For Boys Of All Sizes.
“Our findings demonstrate conclusively that there is a direct connection between taking Professor Rat’s Puberty Medicine and growing sharp little teeth, sprouting wormy little tales, and just basically becoming full-on rats with rat brains who live in sewers,” the study said. “Also, these rat boys smelled straight-up like a dead body. We sent the smartest doctors in the world to smell the rat boys and they all threw up when they smelled these boys that turned into rats from the puberty medicine. Being a doctor sucks and it’s more fun to be a movie star.”
Truly chilling. It’s completely infuriating that these horrible side effects weren’t detected much earlier!
When Professor Rat’s Puberty Medicine For Boys Of All Sizes was first introduced in 1971 by Professor Rat and his 30 sisters at the Donovan-Rat Puberty Institute at Princeton University, it was hailed as a miracle drug that was capable of making boys go through puberty in a much faster and more horrible way. Parents who didn’t want to watch their boys spend years at a time getting their bodies all nasty for sex finally had a pill as small as a tennis ball that they could give to their boys six times a day to make their puberty last just six months and stretch their bones out really quickly. Best of all, Professor Rat’s Puberty Medicine could be administered to boys of all sizes, from small boys the size of a car, to medium boys the size of man, to large boys the size of the sky. It didn’t matter if your boy could crawl into your pocket or was too big for an Olympic-sized pool—he could take Professor Rat’s Puberty Medicine and have his puberty get much more horrible much faster in an easy way! It seemed like the scourge of slow puberty for boys was a thing of the past.
Unfortunately, these troubling new findings show that while Professor Rat’s Puberty Medicine For Boys Of All Sizes is effective for speeding up puberty and making it more painful, it’s also turning boys into rats and making them smell like shit.
Professor Rat was quick to respond to the study by issuing a statement confirming that the findings were most likely accurate, but that boys of all sizes should keep taking his medicine anyway. “Some of the best medicine in the world is incredibly dangerous and doesn’t work,” Professor Rat told reporters on the steps of the Donovan-Rat Puberty institute this morning. “My medicine is so good and so expensive, and it will make your boy smell really bad and become a rat, but that’s fine. My 30 sisters and I are going to keep making our puberty medicine so that boys either do fast puberty or turn into rats and smell bad. Either way, everything is wonderful.”
While Professor Rat’s words are comforting, experts continue to insist that parents who don’t want their boys of all sizes to turn into rats and smell like shit should stop taking his puberty medicine immediately. The medical community has also issued an urgent statement that any parents who do want their boys to turn into rats and smell like shit should keep taking the medicine. Either way, you’ve got to admit that this is a crisis or everything’s fine or something in between! No matter what, the medical community will never be the same.
