Agriculture Secretary Demands U.S. Farmers Invent 5 New Melons By Friday

WASHINGTON—Warning that America could not afford to fall behind in gourd-based innovation, U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins issued a statement Tuesday demanding that U.S. farmers invent five new melons by Friday. “Our nation cannot keep coasting along on the same old watermelons and cantaloupes forever without losing its standing on the world stage,” said Rollins, adding that any farmer who did not send her a list of workable concept melons by the end of the week would permanently lose eligibility for government subsidies. “We need a new killer melon to stay on top in the trade wars to come, and we need it to blow the sweet, round melons of other countries out of the water. The Japanese already have cube melons, for God’s sake. What’s next for us? A savory melon you can steam meat inside? Or some kind of triangle melon? Or how about a lot of tiny little melons you eat by the handfuls, like grapes? Farmers, you’ve got three days to lock in and figure out what’s in the fruit salad of the future. And don’t just pitch us muskmelons again. We already know about those.” At press time, Rollins added that if Chinese farmers developed some sort of talking melon before the U.S. did, it would be “game over” for American cultural hegemony.