BURNABY, B.C. – A local man exceedingly wary of vibrators also insists that artificial intelligence is not a threat.
“AI is just one tool in our toolkit,” says Tyler Bowman, 31, who has never successfully used a tool in his entire life. “It’s not here to replace anything. It helps to enhance the experience, and ensure everyone has the best possible time.”
When asked about vibrators, however, Bowman’s attitude takes a sharp turn. “They’re just plagiarizing real people’s penises,” he says. “It’s a bastardized insult to life itself, that poses an existential threat to humanity, the environment, and most importantly, my masculinity.”
“And that weird morse code setting they all have? They’re secretly saying ‘death to all humans.’ I read all about it on ChatGPT.”
After spending hours exhausting every possible position on the greatness of ChatGPT, Bowman went on to describe several other technologies he does not consider a threat, including deepfakes, spyware, and firearms.
“It’s exactly like they say,” he states. “Guns don’t kill people – vibrators kill people.”
Bowman’s girlfriend, Jamie Forrester, 28, has tried to be “open-minded” about his views, but says the problem is seeping into their relationship. “I tried to get him to go on a date in the real world by taking him to a magic show, but he got so insecure,” she says. “When the magician did a trick with a bullet, he pouted. When she pulled out a rabbit, he tweeted about it. By the time she used her magic wand, he looked ready to scream.”
In order to recover from the incident, Bowman sought help from an AI therapist. The program assured Bowman that he was in fact safe, that it is totally reasonable to never again put his phone on vibrate, and that he would be harvested last when the robots inevitably take over.
Upon learning that Bowman’s ringtone was “How You Remind Me” by Nickelback, Forrester left him for the magician.
