In a report emerging from Chicago, IL, 25-year-old Ilana Robinson is realizing that she only ever wears her ankle socks when every other single pair of socks is ripped, burned, shredded, or otherwise dead.
“I’ve run through every single other pair of socks I own, so today I am forced to wear the ankle socks my mom bought for me when I was in eighth grade,” Ilana told reporters gathered at the scene. “It got me thinking: I never do this. I never wear ankle socks. Only in the direst of circumstances. If I’m wearing ankle socks, please check in.”
Sources confirm Ilana has not been seen wearing a pair of ankle socks in public for the last four years. Those close to her assumed she no longer owned any.
“The truth is my ankle socks are perfectly wearable, so part of me refuses to throw them out,” she continued. “That being said, I also refuse to wear them. They’re barely socks! And they’re so small…you expect me to leave my ankles vulnerable to the elements like this?”
Reporters noted that ankle socks were once extremely popular, but it appears fashion has flung in the complete opposite direction to the point where anyone under the age of 30 will only be caught wearing ankle socks when something has gone terribly awry.
“I cut my foot the other day and bled all over my crew cut socks,” Ilana’s roommate, 23-year-old Heidi Unger, told reporters. “Then, I went to grab another pair, tripped, and accidentally threw them out my window. I had no choice but to dig my last pair of ankle socks out from the bottom of my sock drawer, and I think my body physically rejected them.”
Heidi immediately burst into hives upon putting the socks on, but simply had to push through for lack of any other options.
“If I’m wearing ankle socks, it means I should have done laundry about two weeks ago but haven’t found the time,” Ilana continued. “I should honestly throw them out, but I’m afraid I’ll need them one day. Can’t imagine why, but maybe I will!”
As of press time, Ilana found a pair of crew socks in her laundry bag that didn’t smell terrible, looked both ways, and snuck them onto her feet before realizing they were actually torn to shreds and unwearable.
“Damn it,” she whispered. “So close…”
