Atrocities Keep Getting In Frame Of D.C. Tourist’s Shot

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that he wasn’t going to leave the nation’s capital without getting one good photograph, D.C. tourist Stan Jacobs expressed frustration Friday after atrocities kept getting in the frame of his shot. “All right, everyone, looking good—just wait two more seconds until all those military guys finish shooting their assault rifles and hop back into their big armored tank,” said a visibly impatient Jacobs, who asked his family to give him a “big smile” and “say cheese” just as several National Guardsmen, FBI agents, and DHS officers sprinted into the foreground and began physically assaulting dozens of people. “Excuse me, sir? I know you have to do your job and brutalize American citizens, but could you just do it a few feet to the right? I only need two seconds without it looking like I live under a fascist police state. Actually. Could you take our picture? Just try not to get any blood on the lens.” At press time, Jacobs was reportedly struggling to crop in on the photo to hide the fact that an active member of the U.S. military had just shot him in the chest several times.