Under the Trump administration, and the direction of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the Centers for Disease Control have updated their previous handwashing guidelines. In keeping with our new commitment to truth and personal freedom, the CDC recommends the following steps:
1. Wet hands under faucet.
2. Lather with warm, soapy water for at least twenty seconds.
3. Wait a sec—hold off on the soap. We don’t know enough about its long-term effects.
4. To be clear, we’re not anti-soap. But given the skyrocketing rate of chronic illness in this country, isn’t it worth investigating if soap plays a role?
5. We just investigated. Turns out soap causes neurodivergence. Authenticity and passion are like cancer for capitalism, which means they’re like cancer for you too. Evacuate the restroom immediately.
6. We’re not making this up, you know. Ever heard of a thing called science? We do it here. And not just any science—Gold Standard™ science. Gold. The most serious of the shiny metals. We can’t stop you from using the soap, but you can’t say we didn’t warn you.
7. So, you used the soap, despite all our warnings. You need help. We’re sending you to an organic wellness farm where you can work until you’re no longer addicted to surfactants. This is for your own good.
8. Till the soil. Work the plow. What an honor it is to make America healthy again. May the toil of servitude liberate your soul from the shackles of worldly imperfection.
9. Dry hands with a clean paper towel.
