We at the Department of Health and Human Services want to let the pregnant women of America know that we are very much on your side when it comes to pain management.
As the President so articulately stated, the first line of defense against pain during pregnancy is to “fight like hell” against taking “Ascenem — enophin,” also known as Tylenol.
However, we understand that some women, especially in blue states, may be weak and need help getting through pregnancy-related discomfort, so based on extensive research including many ideas kicked around on podcasts where everyone was super-high, we at the HHS are now ready to recommend the ancient method of pain management known as “biting down on a stick.”
Using the Janka Hardness scale, which measures the force required to embed an 11.28-millimeter-diameter steel ball halfway into a sample of tree wood, the HHS has formulated a graduated scale that allows pregnant women to forage for the biting stick appropriate to their pain level.
Our list of tree woods corresponds roughly to existing Tylenol products.
- Regular Strength Stick (Butternut, Chestnut)
- Extra Strength Stick (Maple, English Walnut)
- Extra Strength Easy to Chew Stick (Aspen, Poplar)
- 8-Hour Aches and Pains ER Stick (Mahogany, English Brown Oak)
In addition, in the coming days the administration will be looking into replacing surgical anesthetics with bullets to bite.
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Stephen Statler is a comedy writer whose work has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Points in Case, and other magazines. His 2025 debut novel, Gods of Glenhaven, is available at Amazon and other retailers. A screenplay, Big Time, co-authored with Mouncey Ferguson, is currently under option by Gulfstream Pictures. Statler lives in the Bay Area with his wife and two children.
