Dear Campers,
It’s come to our attention that our recent efforts to curtail the slasher murders here at Camp Crystal Lake have not translated into more positive reviews on our Yelp page. This, in turn, is affecting our business model and we are seeing a downturn in reservations for next summer. To that end, we have informed staff to stop referring to the resort as “Camp Blood.” I would think that would have gone without saying.
Look, no one was more surprised than we and the staff of Camp Crystal Lake when it turned out that the beheading of the crazed serial killer, Pamela Voorhees, didn’t end the whole “murdering” issue.
While we have taken numerous steps to deal with Ms. Voorhees spawn of hell, Jason, we honestly felt that once he went to New York City and eventually, hell, that things would start settling down for Camp Crystal Lake. I mean, really, after that whole “Final Chapter” episode, the idea of a “New Beginning” really seemed outlandish. And seriously, none of us expected him to return from space. I mean, space, right???
So, as we gear up for a new summer season, we would like to note the precautions now being put into place. We have planted garlic around the camp’s perimeter. Garlic is generally considered a good way to ward off evil. Large knives and most sharp objects have been banned from camp. We are now a “spork-only” facility. New rules have been instituted regarding fraternization amongst the counselors. Also, we’ve hired many of the surviving “final girl” former counselors in hopes that having so many of them in one place will deter any future attempts by Jason Voorhees. Also, a strict “no mocking deformed children” has been instituted in an attempt to forestall any future Voorhees-style origin scenarios. Oh, and we installed a water slide on the lake!
We all hope that you will take these changes seriously, and consider adding a few more stars to you Yelp reviews going forward.
Sincerely,
Steve Christy Jr.
Manager
Camp Crystal Lake
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
I’m a writer and live in New York City. Downtown New York. Very downtown New York. Okay, I live in Staten Island. Armed with only my wits and a keyboard, I’ve written for Cracked Magazine, The Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers, Prairie Home Companion, Mad, TMI: Hollywood, and other stuff.
